It's getting a little easier

4/4/2014

Penny writes:
I have been back on this site tonight reading all the posts; it has been several months since I have visited. Things are very much the same for us: my daughter is still addicted to drugs and we still have custody of our
granddaughter (she will turn 9 years old in just a few days). I have adjusted to this new life as a "parent" and daily life is much easier. I no longer cry every day which is really nice! I have come to accept "what is" and no longer try to change the behavior of my adult daughter. I see her with new eyes, full of compassion but no longer believe the lies she tells or the false hopes she used to feed me. Even though this is not the life I would have chosen for myself (I still dream of retiring!) this is the life I have and we are making it work. I am no longer in that dark place that first overtakes the parent of an addict. Life does go on and while I wish my sweet daughter was with me in this journey, I know that I have the best part of her living right under my roof and I am doing my level best to give her daughter a better life.

40 Comments

Pat

4/10/2014 12:37:11 pm

It is good to hear you are doing a bit better.

Susie

4/11/2014 08:22:41 am

Penny,
It's so good to read your post and feel for at least the time you wrote it, your strength, and calm. I haven't been here for a while either, and just popped in for a bit. Your post gives me hope. I too, have my almost-9 year old granddaughter with me and am trying to give her the life she deserves.

Gail E Richardson

4/25/2014 05:48:58 am

Thank you all for sharing your pain, your wisdom and your hope. I have known for sometime that we are not alone...but to hear the same experiences, especially of the rage, the abuse and the stealing and lying, it just helps. My husband and I are a year into alAnon and we have slowly learned to be a bit more detached but our daughter (the "recovering" addict) and our lovely grandson are still under our roof. We have given her until July 1 to get out...grandson to go with his father. But she has already begun the berating, the pleading and the hateful manipulation. I believe her only chance really is for us to put her out and create no more soft landings for her...I pray every day for the strength to do this. I will definitely stay in touch on this site. Blessings to all who struggle with the addiction of being addicted to our addicts! with love...Gail

Jan W

4/26/2014 12:04:34 pm

Thank you for sharing your experience with your daughter. I have a 25 year old son who is an addict. Right now he is awaiting sentencing for committing some horrible felonies (aggravated robbery, car theft, car jackings, theft and destruction of private property) while under the influence of meth. Meth turned him into a crazy person. He would call me and none of his conversations made any sense. He is looking at many long years in prison. I cannot believe that he could throw the best years of his life away. Our son's addiction started when he was in high school and it was only opiates back then (OxyContin, morphine, heroin, vicodin, basicly anything he could get his hands on. He even used Phentenoyl patches. David has been clean, relapsed, been clean and relapsed more times than I can count. He even spent two years in prison for theft and two probation violations a couple of years ago but he obviously didn't learn anything from that experience. He almost lost his legs from injecting morphine into his legs, developing a horrible mersa type infection on both legs. More recently he actually died from a meth overdose but was in the presence of paramedics so they were able to bring him back to life. It's such a shame to think the once smart, handsome, good kid that I remember is now a person I don't want any contact with for now. I need breathing space from all of the addiction nightmare (the lies, stealing, worry, sleepless nights, etc). He committed these new felonies recently and will have to pay for them with his time in prison. I am accepting that fact now but I continue to pray that while locked up that he find God and peace. I will always unconditionally love my son but I am tired of this nightmare and at least I know he isn't living in the streets anymore and has a roof over his head and has had to get clean. I grew stronger many years ago by attending Nar-anon meetings and now that we have moved to another state, I have found a new meeting place and will continue to go for my own peace of mind and for strength.

Jan W

6/6/2014 02:57:41 am

I have an update on my son. He sent me a letter telling me that he has become a Christian and he is going to church and Bible study while in this county jail awaiting his jury trial on Monday. He is also taking classes on rehab, Spanish, finances, etc., keeping himself busy. He tells me he can get through anything that the judge may throw at him now because he has God on his side. I NEVER thought I would ever hear my son says these words. He also sent me a list of people he is apologizing to for the hurtful things he did to them during his addiction years. I told him I would pass his messages on to those people. This is the first time he has shown any remorse. I know he needs drug rehab and is praying that he will be able to get that help while incarcerated but just hearing that he now knows that Jesus is in his heart has brought many tears to my eyes. I have prayed so hard for this. I guess all things happen for a reason, and I believe that if my son was meant to go through this last meth nightmare just to be saved, it's a miracle.

Carol

7/12/2014 12:14:24 pm

that is the best news for you to hear. I am so happy for your son who can now endure what he has to go through. I pray God will continue to help your son through this difficult process. How wonderful he wants to apologise to people he has wronged - many addicts never get to that place.

Joel G. Bernier

5/2/2014 12:36:26 am

I'm just beginning down this road, as I see my 16 daughter's life become more corrosive, sinking deeper into her first and only love, getting "high". Your website has been a huge blessing as I play the balancing act to keep the rest of the kids from following their sister into this hell. Unfortunately, for me the children's mother is encouraging the addiction as she too, sees it as harmless, or less destructive than alcohol. I'll keep this website close to me. I see that we as a family have a long road to a hopeful recovery. Many blessings to the Authors and those who have posted!! It gives, me hope, for my daughters and son.

Chris Flores

5/3/2014 07:47:22 am

I thank God for finding this website. Somehow it brings a sense of comfort reading all the posts and realizing there are so many other parents going through what I am going through. I to have a 27 yr old son who is a drug addict. He has went through re-hab three different times and only stays clean for about two weeks after getting out. It seems things are worse this time. As a parent I dont know how to handle this . I need some guidance. I dont know how to confront him, what to say. I have so may emotions-anger, dissapointment, hurt, love, guilt. What happened, how did he get to this place! He was such a good student in school, a scholar athlete, very popular. lots of friends,and has the biggest loving heart in the world! I'm scared! I don;t want to lose him! He also found out he has hepititis and it is bad, He was told if he did't get treatment he wouldn't be here in seven years. He was covered under my insurance but no longer since he turned 26. He lost his job and has no insurance. Is there any place he can get help? I would appreciate any advice as I am financially drained. I would do anything for my children. They are my Life!

Pete

5/8/2014 06:50:24 pm

Well I was looking for advice all over the net how to deal with a Meth Addict and the most common answer was to kick him out and not be an enabler.Even though he has his work trade and pays rent at mom's house, we were somehow still enabling him.This drug is known as a Mystery drug because it's hard to tell when they're high on it and most non drug users or clean people won't have an idea you're sharing your life with an addict,worst if he/she a high tolerant Addict or functioning Addict, you won't know when they're high, but you'll have to follow patterns that are just weird.Zombie patterns, problems,crisis going on in our everyday life cycle and they dont care of a selfish narcist as well theyre busy with their "friends", but you won't know their friends. Also, sometimes they do spew out or confess their activities sometime later down the days or weeks where they were,they'll try to confuse you as well get aggressive when questioning them.. It could drive someone sane crazy.You could tell them MOM just passed away,and they'll probably care for that moment, but by tomorrow they won't be in the funeral proceedings because some good excuse came up (But forget their own mother dead!).Meth is known as the devil's mysterious drug.

Anyway, we kicked him out this past Friday 5/2/14 and now he was arrested for trying to steal a motorcycle on 5/7/14,and keep in mind, he has work income to support himself, so why would he be stealing (it beats me) and all this mysterious years living with this zombie and just gets in trouble few days after MOM kicks him out of the home for breaking her house rules, but we had a feeling for few years now that something was wrong with him,so we went with our gut and just ask him to leave and thankfully things didnt get violent because there were moments he'll be aggressive and want to have it his way... Anywa

Pete

5/8/2014 07:00:40 pm

....anyways,if you good people pray for my brother his name is Mark Anthony Miquel,hope his felony charge could help him accept and get rehab help because we tried many times to get into rehab with kindness and some times with almost coercing him,but he refused. So we gave up with that idea, he wasn't voluntarily going to do that, so we just went with the option of kicking him out... Hopefully he just turn his life around...Thank You and God Bless,hopefully we all get relief of the nightmares they (drug abusers) bring upon us to their caring people and family.

Jan

5/12/2014 04:34:08 am

Pete - I'm praying for you and your family. I have a 28 year old son who is an addict. Most days I do OK, but somedays (today), I just feel hopeless. All we can do is pray for each other. Hope you feel the prayers and peace coming your way.

Janet

5/13/2014 04:04:13 am

Since we have several Jan's. I'm changing to Janet. My son is Carl, 28 years old, and we all need your prayers. Thank you. Each of your stories touch me in a special way. God knows all of us and our pain. I lift you all up in prayer.

Linda

5/29/2014 01:51:35 pm

Hi im Linda, I have 3 grown sons 23, 25 and 27.
Who all has had addiction for drugs and alcohol for 10yrs. now.
It has been a night mare for me as a mother to watch them self destruct.
They are in and out of jail .
Jail has become a blessing to me, because I know their safe, they cant create more charges, the eat, and they have a place to sleep.
Im sorry for any parent going through this, Its heart braking.
I pray a lot and give them to God. I moved away from their location. I don't put money on their books, I don't go see them much earthier.
Maybe this is a cold way to treat them, but its become my only solution to this problem.
I totally step out of the picture, I decided I wasn't going down this road any more with them.
I will always worry for them and cry my tears, but that all I can do.

Jan W

5/29/2014 02:15:39 pm

Hi Linda, I can sure sympathize with you. My son is sitting in a county jail in Kansas awaiting his jury trial next month for all the awful felonies he committed while under the influence of meth. He's only 25 and has now thrown away the best part of his life. I haven't had any contact with David since he was arrested April 7th. My heart breaks but like you, at least I know where he is and that he has what he needs to survive. I too cry and pray, what else can we do??? He is in God's hands and I do have to thank Him for keeping my son alive. He shouldn't be but through the mercy of God, he is. I have been writing to him and letting him know that I love him unconditionally and always will but I have also told him how sad and disappointed I am too. I will keep you in my prayers Linda.

Pete

6/6/2014 03:50:05 am

Linda W. That's something positive to hear. As sober he understands all the wrong things he has done.just the addiction his or was his problem. Lets be positive and call it was his problem.I heard Meth addicts a lot times become Christians because they have violated alot of law from social, physically and spiritually.. It was the Garden of Eden they have tresspassed.i heard they reach such unimaginable Euphoria but they violated something they shouldn't and of course it become a curse to them.But I heard they start seeing shadow figures because fasting or not eating for days and their mind just drained, they get to peek on the other dimension. Which I believe they easily accept Jesus because they already saw the other DEMONIC force dimension behind their high..Anyway,hopefully he gets sober as much as possible, the not pamper him too much, for sure if he's been locked up more than 7 months, he probably won't need rehab, BUT DEFINITELY DEFINITELY A 12 STEP PROGRAM. Which he needs to attend for a while to help him out stay sober, as well a psychologist maybe once a month hopefully he won't need prescribed medication.. But he sure needs AL ANON 12 STEP PROGRAM.

Pete

5/30/2014 05:02:43 am

Wow Linda,sorry to hear all your children in the same path,not one that is sober and doing something for themselves with their life,I could imagine your sorrows and some hurtful pain as a mother going through... Ill pray for you Linda..Drugs are devastating our nation specially our youth..

Susie

6/4/2014 01:51:39 am

I hurt. Today is a bit hard. But I only have one addict. I'm so sorry, Linda; I don't know how you do it with three sons. I understand the feeling that jail is a blessing because you don't have to worry so much. I hope the strength you show helps you to have the life you deserve. Hugs and prayers, Susie.

Debbie

6/5/2014 11:52:48 pm

I just found this site this morning. I read all your stories and feel for ALL. I have a 23 year old son who is in a acute care facility. He was taken there on Monday. It is just a temporary place and he will probably get out today or tomorrow. He did some terrible things last weekend. He went to an outpatient rehab and was sober for 3 1/2 years. He abuses prescription drugs, at least that is all they found in his system. My husband (stepfather) told me if I let him come back home he would leave. I don't know what to do. I am an emotional wreck. Reading your stories has helped me. I am so glad I found this site! Even though my heart is broken, I am going to try to deal with this situation with my head. God Bless you all and I will keep you in my prayers!

Karen

2/9/2018 08:42:32 pm

It isn't a cold way to treat them. As parents we say we would die for our children. But I have realized over the 11 years of hell I've been trapped in that I will not be killed slowly and agonizingly by their addiction. It is such a complicated, heinous situation beyond words for us all. When grandchildren are involved it is even more unbearable because the system is such a blanking mess on its own. I understand when you say jail is a blessing. My daughter overdosed a week ago but they were able to revive her with narcan.

Dorie link

6/7/2014 11:14:19 am

Thank you for your website. I have a 25 year old daughter that is an addict. We have been raising our granddaughter for 1 1/2 years now. The emotional roller coaster is undescribable. It helps to hear we are not alone. It really compounds the mess when you have a grandchild involved. If we make the mom mad will she try and take her daughter from us. Do we call the state in or not? The horror stories you hear about child services makes us just want to appease the addict. The father is an addict too. They aren't together but our daughter is with a guy who is in and out of jail. What a mess! If God didn't sustain me I couldn't make it.

Terri

6/10/2014 06:10:09 am

Debbie, I wanted to write to you specifically. Don't throw your own life and your relationships away for your son. We need a safe haven from this horrorstorm that we live in when we have an adult child addict. That has to be our own homes, a safe place to land and to decompress.

Listen to your husband on this. Bringing your son back home will not save him. I am very glad to hear that he knows what it is to be sober for several years.

Addicts relapse---it is part of the disease, as I am sure you know.

If you haven't already read it, you might want to get When the Servant Becomes the Master. A great book on all aspects of addiction.

Debbie, right now, just for today, think about what you want and what you need. Set aside your son's situation, just for a couple of hours. Write down your goals for your life, and include peace, contentment, serenity and happiness, even joy, if those are part of your goals.

You can be happy, regardless of what your son is doing. But it takes a lot of hard work, patience and time.

Right now, wait. Don't make any rash decisions or don't react to your son's wants and needs.

I am so sorry that he has put himself in this situation, and I am sure you are in incredible pain. I so get that.

We have to learn how to let them go, and it is so very hard.

Big hugs to you today.

Susie

6/10/2014 07:36:56 am

Terri,

Thanks for this post. You are right on, and we need someone who is thinking calmly and logically when our nerves are all in a turmoil. You make perfect sense. It's just hard to let go as you well know - and while I'm so thankful to Cheryl for this Website, I'm so saddened that there are so many of us - and so many more - who are affected by drugs.

Susie

6/10/2014 07:38:11 am

Andrea

7/28/2014 03:17:54 pm

I too have a daughter, 34, with substance abuse issues. I am raising her two daughters, ages 7 and 5. They are the light of my life. Currently, daughter is in court ordered rehab in lieu of prison. I've been through the whole gamut...tough love, soft love, feeling crushed...all of it. I truly understand the relief having a child in jail provides parents. Such a sad, but true understanding. I have not allowed daughter to see or speak with her children for over 2 1/2 years. This really breaks my heart but I committed to their stability when I took guardianship of them. Daughter will have her 30-days clean graduation in rehab this thursday. I will be there. She is at a crossroad. She can choose to leave or stay for up to a year in rehab. I know she is in no shape to leave and hope she makes the right decision. It is so hard to watch her agonize over the awful things she has done while high.

Judy

8/11/2014 01:44:51 pm

I was roaming around on the web feeling so lost again over my 45 year old daughter who has relapsed again after being clean for 5 years. I could write a book of all the things we have gone through since she was 15 years old. This site seems amazing and very helpful and I plan on being back soon.

sharyn sharer

8/19/2014 03:52:55 pm

Judy I am so sorry your daughter has relapsed. I cant imagine that pain.

Judy Jordan

8/20/2014 03:08:32 am

Thank you Sharyn for your comment. I am sure you have a sad story about an addict also. I guess those on this site are looking for anyone to just understand and to find some empathy.
thanks again!
judy

Judy

8/21/2014 12:26:37 pm

I would like some feedback concerning our daughter, who has relapsed after 5 years and will be going back to rehab for 30 days. (Age 45) My husband and I co-signed a car for her 3 years ago since she was doing so well. She had a job and was taking care of business and herself and making the payments. About a year ago she started getting behind and we would make pmts when necessary, b/c it is in our name. Since May 2014 she hasn't made one single car pmt or insurance pmt. Now she is saying she has relapsed and needs to go back to rehab. We want to go get the car and sell it. It still has 2 years left on the loan. But of course the guilt has started again and we wonder what she will do w/o a car when she gets out. She has a son and needs to be able to take him to school and also IF she gets a job she needs transportation. But we don't have the funds to keep paying for an extra vehicle and it is driving me crazy. She has been an on again --off again drug addict since she was 15 years old. There are so many things I could talk about right now (several prison sentences, rehab., 3 divorces, etc etc.) but the car is a real pressing issue in our life, and I guess I need some objective feedback.
Thank you
Judy

Judy Jordan

8/21/2014 12:32:39 pm

judyjordan

8/22/2014 03:15:51 am

SOOO sorry my comment posted 3 times! I have no idea why it did that! Sorry to bore anyone with the same story!

Carol

8/22/2014 12:34:32 pm

Judy sorry to hear about your daughters relapse.You must make the decision based on financials if that is the most pressing thing. The car will be repossessed and sold anyway if the payments arn't made and if your not prepared to make them or can't keep making them then you are in your rights to see as it is in your name and you will be given the bad credit rating. I would sell the car, recoup your money and then face what happens with your daughter at a later date. If there is any money left perhaps you can then buy a cheaper car later if needed for her.

judy

8/24/2014 07:20:57 am

Carol, thank you so much for your comments, any sound wisdom is welcome at this point!
Thanks again!

Janet

8/23/2014 03:14:13 am

Judy,
Advice from Carol is good. For once do what is best for you. I know the pain of having grown children who are addicts. Either way you will feel guilty, but do what you need for financial security. Praying for your daughter.

judy

8/24/2014 07:22:01 am

Janet, you are right......... either way I will feel guilty. Thanks for your input!

Janet

8/23/2014 03:14:26 am

Lori

9/29/2014 11:58:11 pm

Not sure where to begin. My 24 year old daughter is a drug addict. I do not give her money ever time I speak with her my words are how are you, have u found a detox center yet! This is hard to do because she gets mad at me for saying that to her all the time, but for me I have tried everything else with her. We have had drug issues with her since she was 15 it was not as bad as it is today . She has a 5 year old boy that she does not see. He is now with the father. She went to rehab , I went to visit her and the next time I called she was gone and back to her boyfriend who beats her regularly. I told her that since she was back with him i wanted nothing to do with her and when she texted me I told her that i cam my speak to her until she is in rehab. One night when I got home from work she was at my door. She was beaten..broken nose and black and blue from her forhead to her chin. Her entire face was broken. I brought her to London ontario to a women's shelter where she would be safe. Her boyfriend was arrested and in jail as the trial starts soon; but I know what is going to happen she will not show to court and he will get away with it again. At this point she left the woman's shelter with a girl..who uses needles and the last thing I heard is that they slowed her cousins bank card and took money from her account. She called me once to say she was okay and I have not heard from her again . She is going to die if this doesn't stop and it will not stop without her seeking help. I worry everyday that I will get a phone call saying she is dead. Although she has no ID ...no one will even know that I am her mother . Things get worse every week. I am so sad about this but I have lived my life this way for so long...with so much hope that I am exausted and totally worn out. I cannot allow this to affect my life any longer but it haunts me daily. She uses needles as well and don't care if she shares them as long as she can get her next fix. I hope that all the parents with addicted children can find peace and no that whatever they decide to do for there son or daughter is is the right thing to do at that time. There are all stages that happen and you need to do whatever seems right at that time. Stay strong just keep mentioning detox and rehab maybe one day they will go. Tha is the only hope we have left ;)

Jan W

9/30/2014 02:02:42 pm

Hi Lori, My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through. My son has put us through a drug addiction nightmare for the last 8 years. He also used needles, pills, smoked drugs, you name it and he took it. I too, worried that he would end up dead with no ID on him either. It wasn't until be got away from opiates and into meth earlier this year, that turned him into a crazy person, committing some awful crimes and is now in jail awaiting trial. He is in the state of Kansas and we as his parents, live in Alaska, so it's not that he's right around the corner from us. I have to admit that I do have peace of mind now as he isn't living on the streets, using drugs and trying to kill himself. Since being incarcerated the beginning of April he is now clean and thinking about his future after incarceration but I still believe he will need treatment and in a way I wish the court would give him an intensive, in house, drug treatment instead of prison but I am afraid that the type of crimes he committed won't allow that. We have been told that he could be looking at 10+ years. His crimes were aggravated robbery, aggravated robbery with a deadly weapon, car theft and theft. So even if he didn't remember committing these awful crimes, he chose to take the drugs that caused him to do them. All I can say is that I do have peace of mind right now, knowing where he is and I pray for him everyday. We keep in touch and I do feel hopeful about his future. God has kept him alive when he should have overdose, lost his legs from injecting morphine into his legs developing a very serious infection in both legs, etc. But He has seen him through all of this so I have to believe that our son is where he's supposed to be right now. I will worry about this kid the rest of my life, as addiction will always be right there. One pill away from relapse. I will keep you, your daughter and family in my prayers. Just stay strong and remember you have to take care of you ! The serenity prayer always helped me, as did Naranon meetings. Hugs.

Airianne link

1/7/2015 05:21:20 am

All of your stories are so heartbreaking as is mine with my son using since he was about 16 and now he just turned 25. I just don't know how to function with the worry of what is going to happen next to my beloved son and now grandson:(

Patricia Moritz

2/5/2015 05:05:01 pm

Like most of you, I also have an adult child who is an addict. She is 30 years old with three kids who now live with me. She is homeless and addicted to pain pills and meth. She is a criminal awaiting her court dates. Some of her charges include mail theft, ID theft, fraudulent use of credit card, Unauthorized Entry of Motor Vehicle, possession of Controlled Substance, and numerous Probation Violations from her first ever charges of Theft III and PCS in November. It is barely February and she is facing prison now! The PO will not allow her to stay with anyone outside of the county, so she has no where to go. She was living in her broken down car, but it was ransacked by other thieves while she was in jail for 5 days. (She was livid, btw!). She goes to court next Monday and I actually pray that she will have to go directly to jail so that I know she is safe. I have had to make myself love her, but never believe her. That is so sad. But, I must be there for her children, no one else is.

Yvon link

2/18/2017 02:51:21 pm

5+ years and still going....
It isn't the young ones....it's the parents and the law! Does it ever get any easier and if so, how?

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