Needing help﻿

Needing help

4/20/2016

My friends, I truly need your help. I'm adding the third letter I just received, again with the theme of a grandparent at the end of her rope and needing help desperately. I have no advice to give, as this is one situation I haven't (knock on wood) faced. If any of you have negotiated the legal system to gain custody of your grandchild, please give some ideas to this folks as to where to turn, who to talk to, what to do. ~ Cheryl

Sharon writes: I am the mother of a 30 year old son who is addicted to drugs he lives with me only because he has a 6 year old daughter who he has joint custody of and I've made it clear he's only here because of her if he loses custody he's gone I've been battling this with him for 10 years I'm mad as he'll and at times more than not I find myself hating this person he's stole money jewelry and have pretty much dragged me in the gutter with him I don't see an end to my problem he steals money from his daughter I bought her a laptop he has it more than she does he yells and screams at her at the top of his lungs for stupid things I've had to jump in front of him plenty of times when he goes for her telling me the whole time it's his f*#ing daughter I'm so tired I can't do this no more I want him out of my house but so scared to loss my granddaughter who means the world to me please please help me I'm not in fear for myself but in fear for my granddaughter I can't be here all the time I have to work

Sandra writes: My daughter is 40 years old and has been separated for from her husband for 2 years. I understand the tough love for her as an addict but she has two children. A daughter almost 15 and a son 8. I do what I can to take care of them and not anger my daughter. They just lost their home and have moved in with me. My daughter annoys the heck out of me and I am often upset and afraid for the children. How do I handle this, my daughter denies being on anything. Their father is no better he is an alcoholic and pot smoker. How can I protect these kids. Help

Jessica writes:Im a new grandma of a 1 mth old beautiful grandson. My daughter got back with the meth addicted father right after his birth. Thank God they live with me and I can keep an eye on him but she barely even holds him. The only thing that matters is the father, not the baby. I have him 20 hours a day including nights and I have an appt with an attorney Monday. I'm terrified even though my daughter is drinking and dabbling with meth again that I will lose and she will be so angry that she will take my grandson away. Last night I found her passed out in the car and the night before she texted me saying she was sorry she can't go on like this and tell her son she loves him, so I call police to look for her and they did NOTHING because she didn't specifically say she was going to hurt herself! To many times the system falls these kids and I don't know what to do. Keep mouth shut so I can keep him in my life or take a chance of trying to get temporary custody and losing? Then I lose everything. Please help.

16 Comments

Sandra Norris

4/21/2016 06:05:15 am

I understand that is my fear as well, if I make her angry she can take the kids and leave. Then I have no way to protect the kids. I am just trying to do my best every day and take care of the kids. I try to not give her cash but sometimes I have to. She is a smoker as well and gets nasty if she doesn't have her smokes. She hasn't held a job for long and has lost 4 in the last 2 years, thus the loss of their house and moving in with me. I pray a lot and rely on my friends to complain about things. I am sure they are sick of me and my problems. I just retired and also have to watch my money. My daughter is killing herself and denies everything. It is so sad and frustrating. I pray for all addicts and their families.

Sharon

4/25/2016 03:58:52 am

Someone told me if I call the police and tell them he needs to be in rehab that they would help has anyone heard that??? Just sounds to simple

Sandra Norris

4/25/2016 07:56:53 am

I haven't heard that the police will help, that doesn't sound right. I have confronted my daughter so has her sister and my ex husband she denies everything. If you can't get them to go for help what can you do but watch them kill themselves. I am trying to protect my grandchildren. My fear is that they will find her dead some day.

Paula

2/13/2017 02:24:31 pm

The police tell you to get custody.

First you have to get temporary custody. That what I did in Nevada.

Then you have to let the parents know by giving notice of the next court date in person if you know where they are or by newspaper if you do not. If they don't show up to court then you will usually get permanent custody but that only means until one of the parents can prove to the court they are drug free and can handle custody. Which usually takes some time. Then if they try to take the children you can call the police because they do not have a right to them anymore.

Christine

5/30/2017 06:03:27 pm

Also, get it out of juvenile court and take it to superior court. They can't take you to court every 3 months when they decide to get clean for a minute. They will have to have an attorney as well.

yvon

5/8/2016 08:13:48 am

All lot of times the police won't get involved because its a civil matter. I would recommend contacting your local child welfare department and or a private attorney. You will have to collect proof of what you are saying to them to be able to get anyone to listen. Again it will depend on who you get on your case. My prayers are with all concerned.

Eva

5/14/2016 08:22:51 pm

These letters help me feel that I m not alone but I m so sad that so many of us r afraid for our grandchildren. I put up with my daughter and boyfriend for too long. I kicked them out but convinced my daughter to let me keep my grandchildren until school is out. I m hiring a lawyer and praying to get custody of the children. Because of those two drug addicts I have lost almost everything but I m determine not to lose the kids. But God knows my determination is not enough. Prayers to all.

Pamela

5/31/2016 07:18:48 am

I'm a grandmother who adopted her granddaughter 8 years ago - she's 10 now - because my daughter was (is? I have no idea where she is now) a heroin addict. She and her husband were living with us until they both got arrested and jailed. His grandmother bailed him out and he OD'd that night. My daughter ended up serving time so I was able to get her to sign away her parental rights so we could get medical treatment as needed for the baby. From there we proceeded toward the adoption. It was a nightmare, and the clerk of the court told us he's seeing grandparents every day stepping up to take children away from their addicted parents. "Thank God for grandparents." I had to testify in court against my daughter - she was out of jail by then - which was the most horrific thing ever. To have to re-live the nightmare and say the most awful things (TRUTH) about my daughter with her sitting right there - it's something a mom should never have to do. We won, although the judge told us later that it was one of the hardest decisions he ever made, but he learned a lot about opiate addiction and came to the conclusion that the baby would continually be in danger if she were to stay with her mother. Unfortunately, my daughter appealed the decision so we had to go through it twice - we won the second time also. My advice is to document EVERYTHING, and make the first step by gaining temporary custody, then go from there. We made the rule that our daughter could only see the baby at a neutral place (McDonald's) and only when she was sober. We had told her if she maintains sobriety we would consider broadening her visitation to include her coming to our home etc - but she's never been stable long enough, and two years ago she disappeared. She checked in last year in July, and this year on Mother's Day - she's still an addict. There is more tragedy here - she had two other babies, both now being raised by their other grandmother, and she told me she gave a baby up for adoption in Florida last year. She also introduced her little brother, my son, to heroin and he is now also an addict and has lost his little boy - luckily the mother is extremely stable, but she won't let me see my grandson because she's cut our family out of their lives. My son breaks my heart because he is continually trying to get sober - he's an awesome person - but he just can't seem to beat the addiction and his life is in shatters. I can't help him anymore - I gave him a car, he used it to buy drugs and was arrested; I give him money for food and cigarettes, but he's always broke. He was supposed to start a new job today, but as of yesterday he didn't have a ride and I'm afraid to check in with him today because I just don't want to know. This has taken a real toll on me and some days are harder than others - I work full-time at a really stressful job and I have three other grown kids (thankfully not addicted and doing fine) and grandchildren to be there for, not to mention my adopted granddaughter and my husband - it becomes self-preservation and the wants/needs of the addicts have to be ignored as much as possible. I compare it to being on a tiny life raft, while you throw life rings to your beloved addicted child - your child grasps at them and then lets go and flounders and drowns - he wants to climb into your raft but you know you have no room so you keep throwing life rings and praying that they learn to swim. Right now I'm feeling low on life rings and I'm begging my son to learn to swim. So many prayers to you all, the parents of addicts - it's a terrible place to find yourself but it helps to know you're not alone.

Sandra Norris

5/31/2016 08:57:08 am

My daughter got physical with my younger daughter and choked her. We had to pull her off. She then threatened me with a needle. We now have simple assault charges against her and a PFA with eviction. I go to court this Thursday to make it permanent. I also filed for custody that will be on the 6th of June. I had to deal with 3 counties the one I live in, the one where the original custody order was and the one where she is living with my ex husband. It was 3 days of running to different court houses and dealing with different sheriff's departments. My daughter has convinced her father that she was just out of her anxiety medication. I know she will fight me but I just want the kids to have a safe home. Pray that it all works out. I really want my daughter to realize she needs help.

Vicki

10/17/2016 04:29:12 pm

My adult daughter was at in-state detox 3x since the beginning of the year, OD'd before going to rehab out of state for more than 3 months. She has only home for 4 days and OD'd in our house while I was in another room. If I had not been home, she would have died---she was not breathing and her heart stopped. EMTs saved her. Though she has sworn she attends meetings daily I have some doubts. The past few days seemed to be an improvement and I allowed her to stay. Just after dinner tonight she yelled for help. Said she'd "found" a needle and "just injected water". I called 911 and they have taken her to the hospital because she could not breathe. I did not go this time. I can not deal with this any longer and told her she must move. Tomorrow. This is emotionally and physically destroying me.

Pamela

10/18/2016 04:56:05 am

I'm so sorry, Vicki. The nightmare is ongoing. There does come a time when you have to save yourself, and it's so cruel to ask a mother to turn her back on her child, but heroin does this. You aren't alone! Stay strong, keep your eyes open, and do what you can without destroying your own life. God bless.

Paula

2/13/2017 02:35:19 pm

That is very scary. They say the best thing we can do is tough love. Give them nothing. That is hard but not going to the hospital is a good start and telling her to move out is a good step forward. They have to be uncomfortable and hit bottom.

Sandra Norris

10/18/2016 04:46:53 pm

Since my last post my daughter was put on probation. She failed a drug test and wound up in jail. It has been abut 8 weeks. She is being sent to residential rehab. I pray it works.
Her ex husband has the kids and is filing for full custody. I still have a PFA against my own daughter and will only lift it if she builds up my trust, who knows. Prayers to all.

Nancy

10/23/2016 03:17:11 am

We focus on the task at hand and learn what does work and what does not. Unfortunately, the people around us may not have the time to learn, or in some cases, just don't think they are ignorant. Well, this ignorance played a role in a critical relapse after a long period of success and recovery. It resulted in removal of two small children, who were fortunately put with someone who we know is a fantastic mother. I would advise anyone dealing with the kids of addicts to try to get them in an excellent daycare. This is one area of government funding that needs to happen. This provided some wonderful security in our situation -- and some of it was paid for by the state. Now the mom is with a new boyfriend. I want the state to mandate 30 to 60 day drug treatment. They actually have funds in her county, but I can't talk to the person in charge (typical). As an individual though I can try to mandate a two day dry out. But there better be a real good plan if I mess with that. She always does better after treatment. And she always swears before treatment that it does nothing. Ha! I would advise anyone "helping" out with a car, to get a tracker on the vehicle. You can even shut the car off remotely. When I was using that device, it did help quite a bit. My problem is there were always people kissing up to her and undermining what I did. So I gave in. The tracker went on the fritz and I was pressured not to put it back on. Big big mistake. And relapse was the result. Now the underminers, feeling guilty, are super mad. We don't learn. There are things that work with addicts and things that do not. You have to be nimble if you're helping out. Watch for the "system" getting set up. They are clever. My daughter got a very uneducated boyfriend living in the house. He drove the kids in. He took care of them while she slept off her drugs. Well, that guy fell in love with the kids and got hurt when she dumped him. Serves him right. I very much appreciate him caring for the kids, but he didn't understand, AND DID NOT LISTEN, but covering for the addict does not help. I wanted to move immediately to kick her out of the house when she set up her system. I was opposed by my spouse. So she got deeper. OK now she has a super addiction. This did not have to happen. But my hands were tied by the enablers.

But here's the thing. It led to the kids being taken away from her and now they are happy and safe. It was a great deliverance from God!!! She can't hold that over me again, which is great. So, the errors that were made led to a relapse that led to kids being put in a safe place. That problem is dealt with. Check that box.

I think I know how I could get her into treatment -- if I could get the other players to please stay out of the picture. This is the thing, our involvement can help. The time invested kept baby no. 2 born with no drugs. The kids are thriving and absolutely our involvement made a difference. My daughter has in her memory some accomplishments, which in itself is miraculous. She had learning disabilities and so many problems. If I can get her into treatment, I believe the memories will come back and she will realize and build. You have to have faith for this. To hit one more time. But I want the kids' fate more legally established and protected first. It's a chess game. It's you against IT. You have to hit back and hit hard.

Next treatment plan (free one) is a 6 month-er with women only. They deal with codependence and provide free housing. They have to save their own money for their eventual first rentcheck. She will thrive and build on it. Getting her there is the trick. The other trick, is once she's better, to keep the enablers out of her life. It's like, "she's better now....we can be nice again." Not. I don't plan on talking to her at all if she gets there into that treatment. I won't be helping at all in any way. But she will be set up to succeed. It's a balance.

They have their stock lines they use. Mine says, once she is slipping back, "you just don't trust me. you never will. you want me to relapse. you need me to relapse. you don't have a life." How sweet of her to rub it in! So I sent her pictures of me having a great time on vacation! Wouldn't normally do that, but I let her know she wasn't in my head! Then she sends that message to someone in my life -- how mean I am. They buy into parts of it. Everybody has to be sharp and learn the drill. I may quit and let her go down further (I've been standing down for this one so far), which is fine, I can do that. She's at risk of death, definitely. But I don't want to get her OK too quickly where she can make a reasonable ploy at getting the kids back. So, big risk there too. I'll be available as needed. Taking a nice break now and waiting it out. She was running scared. Now she thinks I'm out of the battle.

This is how I've handled it. It's unconventional. But we've

Yvon link

12/3/2017 07:43:46 pm

We’ve come to to unfortunate decision of handing my grandchild back over. It is completely against our better judgement. We can not fight the system in family law at all. It seems as though no matter what danger the child will be in they favor the parents at all costs. It’s turned out we are the liars, the unreasonable ones, etc. they won’t look at any documentations of past and present. There is such a pattern of behavior but their attitude is oh well! The child is special needs and is getting a lot of support. Parent keeps finding ways of stopping all of the child’s help
We are at our wits end! It’s tearing the child up and there is no accountability to what the parents have done. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, even as the child regresses but no no child goes back! 10 lawyers and counselors have all advised detriment to the child but it all turns back on us!
If anyone at all has any concrete help please get I touch with me
Thanks

Karen

2/10/2018 02:57:35 am

I don't really have any answers. I am looking for them myself. I have been trapped on this rollercoaster of hell for 12 years. She has 4 kids, 2 of which have been adopted by the other grandmother who refuses to let me see them. I had to morn them like a death. Which almost took my will to live. But she had another baby after that who I'm trying to be there for.She has another daughter who is the oldest child who lives with her father and step mother. They are just as messed up as she is but I do get to see her. (4 kids-3 dads). I've had temporary custody of the baby for a little over a year. Mom relapsed last week and OD'd on heroine and xanax. They were able to revive her with narcan. Now I am dealing with child services like I am the addict. His father is not in the picture. I am going to try to get permanent custody but if the father decides to step in I could lose him all together and have to morn the loss of him as well. I am tired of living in fear. Part of me is ready to let him go, say good bye to the older one and just disappear into oblivion. I live in Indiana where there are no grandparents rights. I hate this state and child services is an evil joke. I am going to try to get her to sign him over to me permanently this week. I can not 'live' like this any longer. But I just wanted to let you know I understand your frustration. I am going to start going to celebrate recovery next Thursday. This website does help. Thanks for letting me vent.

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