My daughter is 19 and has been using some form of drug since about 13. She has been to rehab many times over the years, juvenile drug court etc. After the last rehab although she had started using again, she managed to complete beauty
school and took the first part of state boards. She refuses to take the second part and now it is 2 years later. When she turned 18 the court let her go and she chose to move out. Since then she has broken in to our house and stolen thousands of dollars of things, jewelry, etc and pawned it for practically nothing. She moves from friend to friend. No real place to stay. Sometimes she
sleeps in her car. She will never come around her family not even special occasions. I try to take her out to eat just to see her but she cancels.
She is growing worse and it seems the more I pray the worse she is. She has become someone I don't know. A few months ago she went to Alabama to stay with someone she had met in rehab. After a few weeks she was back in town. A court summons came in the mail from Alabama apparently she was working as a stripper without a license. She never went to court so I imagine there is a warrant out for her.
She called her dad and I a week ago begging for money because, as she said , someone was going to kill her because she had set them up. I know she does this because before she moved out, and I know I shouldn't have, I put a program on
her phone because I was always afraid of not being able to find her and she might need my help. This program also allowed me to see her text messages in real time. She mostly talked about getting drugs but one night she and a friend joked about a man they had got a hotel room with and after he fell asleep they stole his money and clothes. The police showed up at her dad's and questioned her I found out later but didn't arrest her. I probably should have called the police but it seems putting her in rehab and jail has put her in contact with so many other bad people. I think I made her problems worse by forcing her to go to rehab all those times. She would be there sometimes a short time but the last was 6 months. The friend's she made there is who she feels is her family. She doesn't feel a connection to her real family. I thought I was doing the right thing. She is just a tiny girl, almost skin and bones. She is beautiful and
smart, who at 3 yrs old I was told by her piano teacher could play by ear. Now she is almost completely covered in mostly homemade tattoos. Her voice has become so scratchy and deep from smoking she doesn't sound like the same person.
I look at her photos before she became addicted and wonder what I could have done differently. My husband doesn't want her name mentioned because we try to help her and it backfires in our face. The many times she calls in the middle of
the night out of gas and stranded . Just this moment her dad text and said he let her use his ATM card to get $40 yesterday and she never brought it back and won't call him.
Back in January I bought her a used car after she totaled the new car I gave her for finishing beauty school in 2011. I pay for her cell phone which she lost or was stolen last week. I gave her a Walmart money card that I could transfer money to over the internet instead of having to wait til western union opens because I never know when she will call because she is stranded out of town somewhere. I pay her car insurance because the car is in my name. I pay for her health insurance, after All she is just 19.
But, this is were I am now. There has to be a change. I cannot live like this anymore. I live in constant fear. My relationship with my other family is suffering. I have attended al anon but not regularly because I work an hour and a half from home. I still read my books but I feel what gives me peace and hope the most is Christian music. I find a song that seems to speak to me then I listen to it over and over until I have it memorized. I listen to it again before I go to sleep and in the morning it still plays in my head.
I pray for guidance. I pray continually. I know God can change her. He is the only one that can. He is my only hope. My question is how does someone truly leave their problems at His feet? Do I pray for it that one time and never mention it again? After I leave it in His hands what is my role? Do I need to take the car back? Do I need to replace the phone she lost? Should I give her money when she is hungry or stranded? I don't know if I am able to not hear her voice and know she is ok. I have actually gotten another phone but I have not given it to her yet because I don't know what to do. I keep thinking what if she needs my help and I didn't give her a phone. I would hate myself forever.
When I first started reading all the letters people sent you I felt confident that I should cut her off from everything. But the cell phone is the only thing that causes me to doubt my judgement.
I know no one can give me the answers. I wish just once someone would take this from me and make the decisions.
The one thing I still provide for my heroin-addicted daughter is a cellphone. ~ Cheryl
Letting go can be a daily struggle. My letting go of the addicts in my family started with my alcoholic husband. Freeing myself from him and the addictive thoughts and actions I enabled in my home for more than 20 years of marriage was the hardest and most rewarding task I have ever attempted. After a particularly dramatic evening, I told him his addiction was a problem in our home, that he needed to leave and that he could not return until after he completed treatment. His response, not surprisingly, was that the problems were caused by me and that he was happy not to have to put up with me any more... ooh, it burned - until I remembered where those sentiments were coming from.
Shortly afterwards, my 14-year old son, the second of our four children and already possessing the hallmark thinking and behavior of addiction, was angry and assaulted me (not the first time). I called police and he declared he hated me and moved in with dad. I saw a train-wreck coming and I fought hard to save my son's life - As a parent, I advocated loudly. I told EVERYONE, dad, teachers, therapists, relatives, counselors, dad's new roommate and any adult
that had anything to do with the care of my son, which eventually included a public defender, probation officers and judges, that my son needed structure and care in a sober environment his father could not provide and that he would be drawn into delinquency and addiction otherwise. I even lined up financing for a wilderness rehab followed by a year in a school for at-risk young men. The more I tried to 'help', the more my husband (yes, addicted, but quite functional and articulate) fought back, accusing me of malicious intent. My son eventually hated
me so much, he threatened to have me killed.
So I watched helplessly as my son trod the road to delinquency and addiction. He is now 18. An adult. I know he drinks and smokes pot and takes Xanax and any other pills or powders the
boys are passing around. He spent the last two years expelled from school, placed in an alternative school, on probation, in juvenile hall, on electronic monitoring and, finally, in prison. He's out now. Still lives with dad. Does not
go to school and only works when he feels like it - at the business his dad and I still own (yes, I have objected to that, too!)
He still believes I am the source of the problems he and his father have had to face.
My heart aches, but let go is all there is here. He is my son. I tried. He's an adult now.
school and took the first part of state boards. She refuses to take the second part and now it is 2 years later. When she turned 18 the court let her go and she chose to move out. Since then she has broken in to our house and stolen thousands of dollars of things, jewelry, etc and pawned it for practically nothing. She moves from friend to friend. No real place to stay. Sometimes she
sleeps in her car. She will never come around her family not even special occasions. I try to take her out to eat just to see her but she cancels.
She is growing worse and it seems the more I pray the worse she is. She has become someone I don't know. A few months ago she went to Alabama to stay with someone she had met in rehab. After a few weeks she was back in town. A court summons came in the mail from Alabama apparently she was working as a stripper without a license. She never went to court so I imagine there is a warrant out for her.
She called her dad and I a week ago begging for money because, as she said , someone was going to kill her because she had set them up. I know she does this because before she moved out, and I know I shouldn't have, I put a program on
her phone because I was always afraid of not being able to find her and she might need my help. This program also allowed me to see her text messages in real time. She mostly talked about getting drugs but one night she and a friend joked about a man they had got a hotel room with and after he fell asleep they stole his money and clothes. The police showed up at her dad's and questioned her I found out later but didn't arrest her. I probably should have called the police but it seems putting her in rehab and jail has put her in contact with so many other bad people. I think I made her problems worse by forcing her to go to rehab all those times. She would be there sometimes a short time but the last was 6 months. The friend's she made there is who she feels is her family. She doesn't feel a connection to her real family. I thought I was doing the right thing. She is just a tiny girl, almost skin and bones. She is beautiful and
smart, who at 3 yrs old I was told by her piano teacher could play by ear. Now she is almost completely covered in mostly homemade tattoos. Her voice has become so scratchy and deep from smoking she doesn't sound like the same person.
I look at her photos before she became addicted and wonder what I could have done differently. My husband doesn't want her name mentioned because we try to help her and it backfires in our face. The many times she calls in the middle of
the night out of gas and stranded . Just this moment her dad text and said he let her use his ATM card to get $40 yesterday and she never brought it back and won't call him.
Back in January I bought her a used car after she totaled the new car I gave her for finishing beauty school in 2011. I pay for her cell phone which she lost or was stolen last week. I gave her a Walmart money card that I could transfer money to over the internet instead of having to wait til western union opens because I never know when she will call because she is stranded out of town somewhere. I pay her car insurance because the car is in my name. I pay for her health insurance, after All she is just 19.
But, this is were I am now. There has to be a change. I cannot live like this anymore. I live in constant fear. My relationship with my other family is suffering. I have attended al anon but not regularly because I work an hour and a half from home. I still read my books but I feel what gives me peace and hope the most is Christian music. I find a song that seems to speak to me then I listen to it over and over until I have it memorized. I listen to it again before I go to sleep and in the morning it still plays in my head.
I pray for guidance. I pray continually. I know God can change her. He is the only one that can. He is my only hope. My question is how does someone truly leave their problems at His feet? Do I pray for it that one time and never mention it again? After I leave it in His hands what is my role? Do I need to take the car back? Do I need to replace the phone she lost? Should I give her money when she is hungry or stranded? I don't know if I am able to not hear her voice and know she is ok. I have actually gotten another phone but I have not given it to her yet because I don't know what to do. I keep thinking what if she needs my help and I didn't give her a phone. I would hate myself forever.
When I first started reading all the letters people sent you I felt confident that I should cut her off from everything. But the cell phone is the only thing that causes me to doubt my judgement.
I know no one can give me the answers. I wish just once someone would take this from me and make the decisions.
The one thing I still provide for my heroin-addicted daughter is a cellphone. ~ Cheryl
Letting go can be a daily struggle. My letting go of the addicts in my family started with my alcoholic husband. Freeing myself from him and the addictive thoughts and actions I enabled in my home for more than 20 years of marriage was the hardest and most rewarding task I have ever attempted. After a particularly dramatic evening, I told him his addiction was a problem in our home, that he needed to leave and that he could not return until after he completed treatment. His response, not surprisingly, was that the problems were caused by me and that he was happy not to have to put up with me any more... ooh, it burned - until I remembered where those sentiments were coming from.
Shortly afterwards, my 14-year old son, the second of our four children and already possessing the hallmark thinking and behavior of addiction, was angry and assaulted me (not the first time). I called police and he declared he hated me and moved in with dad. I saw a train-wreck coming and I fought hard to save my son's life - As a parent, I advocated loudly. I told EVERYONE, dad, teachers, therapists, relatives, counselors, dad's new roommate and any adult
that had anything to do with the care of my son, which eventually included a public defender, probation officers and judges, that my son needed structure and care in a sober environment his father could not provide and that he would be drawn into delinquency and addiction otherwise. I even lined up financing for a wilderness rehab followed by a year in a school for at-risk young men. The more I tried to 'help', the more my husband (yes, addicted, but quite functional and articulate) fought back, accusing me of malicious intent. My son eventually hated
me so much, he threatened to have me killed.
So I watched helplessly as my son trod the road to delinquency and addiction. He is now 18. An adult. I know he drinks and smokes pot and takes Xanax and any other pills or powders the
boys are passing around. He spent the last two years expelled from school, placed in an alternative school, on probation, in juvenile hall, on electronic monitoring and, finally, in prison. He's out now. Still lives with dad. Does not
go to school and only works when he feels like it - at the business his dad and I still own (yes, I have objected to that, too!)
He still believes I am the source of the problems he and his father have had to face.
My heart aches, but let go is all there is here. He is my son. I tried. He's an adult now.
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