September 09th, 2013

9/9/2013

My addicted son is 44 and has been living in my home for over 10 years now. I have lost count. We have been through the roller coaster ride of his addictions and I know he is still using heavily. Each week seems to be worse than the previous.
Now I am forced to deal with it and don't exactly know what to do. I know I should kick him out of the house but I am afraid he will try to kill himself. I am soooo tired of all of this. Seems so not fair. What do you think?    - Debbie

It's both scary and amazing how similar my family's story is. We are suffering enormously and are apprehensive about withdrawing all material support for our daughter. The car, the rent etc, etc. Where to now?   – Clinton

I am a mother of an adult son who is addicted. He is about to be a father and I am concerned, confused, angry and at a loss of what to do. Any suggestions? Thank you.   -   Regina

12 Comments

Sandra Ochoa

9/11/2013 04:58:39 am

Hi, I am to dealing with this. My son who is 21 years old. Tells me he is not on drugs anymore. I see that he is and I have kicked him out. Went to live with his father. He is back and asking to stay. I know he has returned to drugs. My husband doesnt help but just puts more stress on me. Over things like if my son asks to borrow the phone. Or talks to him about a song and so on. I dont know what to, i have other young children. I wish my husband wouldnt be so rude. I me its okay to tell him NO but does he have to be so rude
Help.. Thank You for listening.

pat

9/16/2013 10:52:49 pm

Seriously? Your son is an addict and your complaint is your husband's rudeness? Enabling your son will cost you everything, maybe even custody of your "other" children. Family therapy would be a good start. This is not your husband's fault, this is not your fault.

sandra garrido

10/5/2013 07:17:25 am

Thanks Pat..

Vikki

9/24/2013 05:07:41 pm

I really wish the rehabs and drug counselors could come up with something other then the term of "enabling"
I feel many times they are too quick to judge and its become a cliche to label loving parents as enablers!
I am really confused with all of this.... They want us to look at addiction as a disease , treat it as a disease medically, but then turn around and have loved ones turn away from the "afflicted" because ifmwemdo not, we enable them to prolong their disease process.
I do not get it.
From the moment these magnificent beings are brought into this world, we love them, nurture them, feed them, care for them, protect them, ( God willing, if we have been raised well )

Vikki

9/24/2013 05:14:04 pm

Then for some reason they lose their way and get messed up with drugs etc and we are to watch this from the distance. Sounds pretty cold to me...... Tell me, how's it working for all of you out there ? I mean, I am a parent and I have been there and done it with my kids,too. Tryed everything.... Sometimes, maybe it just takes a huge tragedy for them to experience themselves before they decide to make a life long change

Sandra Garrido

10/5/2013 07:09:47 am

I so agree with you Vikki. Its a disease but yet we have to turn our backs on them. Its an addiction.

Heidi

9/27/2013 11:42:17 am

This is for Vikki: I think the term "enabling" is very appropriate. It is unpleasant to think that we contribute to a problem by "helping" addicted loved ones, however, that is exactly what happens. We must unconditionally love them without giving them what they DON'T need.

Penny

10/1/2013 09:27:22 am

I agree with you Heidi. I found a very good definition of the word enabling, which is how I now know what NOT to do. "Enabling is anything we do for the addict that they should be doing for themself"
My 31 year old addict no longer gets her car insurance paid, she no longer gets a cell phone on my plan, I don't even buy her a cup of coffee or a clean pair of socks, becasue at her age (32 this coming Sunday) she should be doing all these things for herself. Once you understand what enabling is you find it easier to draw the line. If I were to pay for things that she should pay for herself it would only allow her more money for drugs, needles, cotton balls etc. To no longer enable is truly the gift of love, because when we enable we bring our beloved children closer to an early grave.

sharon

10/5/2013 04:11:59 am

My daughter is in outpatient rehab following detox. We live in the middle of nowhere and she does not have transportation to meetings and so we have to drive her. I have had to pick her up when her arranged rides (ie, home from the movies when her arranged ride falls through. Did I mention she lives with me with her 2 year old daughter? Am I enabling her?

Sharon

10/5/2013 04:21:15 am

I forgot to mention that she and I are having issues with her "independence" as she thinks she can defy our house rule about not having friends overnight when we don't know them well, because she says she is 33years old and can do what she wamts. She IS very dedicated to her recovery right now. Sometimes she takes advantage of us. I can't kick her out because of my granddaughter.

Sandra Garrido

10/5/2013 07:15:48 am

Hi Sharon. My son is 21 and an addict. But talking about your daughter. My mom regrets not kicking my sister that lived with her a few years ago. She said she should have kicked her out and fought for custody of her son. She did move out got married had two wonderful girls. She has now left that home leaving her two daughter behind. She is now 39 yrs old and has never been on her own... or paying her own bills.. My mom now wont even allow her to spend the night or give her money. She will feed her when she sees her..

Carol

10/10/2013 10:00:39 am

I feel that as Mothers and Fathers we find it almost impossible to abandon our children when they are in such terrible need, however as we help "enable" them they are able to continue on with their destructive lifestyle. Wether they would continue on with their lifestyle if we didnt help them I dont know, possibly some would, some wouldn't. I made the decision not to give my son $200 that he begged me for to pay rent to a lady he had been staying with as he said he couldnt go back there until he paid. I offered to go with him and pay her but he didnt want that. He left and has told me I am selfish and he doesnt want any more contact. I had to live with that. I thought if I give him the money and he overdoses how would I feel. If I dont give him the money and he turns to crime how would I feel? I decided to take the second option. It is heart breaking either way - to help or not and when to stop that help is up to each individual.

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September 09th, 2013

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