step parent

6/1/2013

Being a step parent of an addict has been very challenging. I remarried 7 years ago, a man who had two young teenagers. I thought, hey, no biggie, kids grow up and leave the nest. I have two who did just that. But, little did I realize what I had gotten myself into. He is now 22 and living in an apartment we subsidize and is using again. Opiates. I feel it is time to cut him off. All the help we've provided has enabled him to use. My husband of course still thinks he can fix him, but that is understandable: it's his son. I am weary of it all and feel that our lives are consumed by his addiction. What is sad is that our marriage is essentially over because we have spent so much time on his problems and neglected the relationship. I resent it, I want him out of our lives, I am fed up, I don't feel any love for him or my husband anymore. And all I want to do is find my way out of here and live a peaceful life again.
Step parenting is a thankless job especially when you're dealing with an addict. And with all due respect, I do not agree that it is not the parents fault in all cases. This young man was never held accountable, he was allowed to rule the roost, consequences were never imposed, no curfews... my husband was overly permissive and refused to believe he was using. So, there are parents who have a role in how their children turn out. When I met my husband, my children were up and out. Now, here I am dealing with this mess. The word"detachment" has really given me hope, not for the addict, but for myself.

154 Comments

pat

6/4/2013 11:14:22 pm

And had it been your biological child you reaction may be very different. Yes I am sure it is hard to be the stepparent. Addiction destroys many marriages/relationships. Maybe your husband and his ex enabled your stepson. I am sure they never wanted him to become an addict. I am sure they are just s overwhelmed as you. Do what you have to do . i wish you well.

6/17/2015 10:36:59 am

My husband and I have both been married before. I have 4 children grown he has 1 son who I was told was grown. He was 21 when we got married and using. We had multiple disagreements and my husband always took his side. He urinates on the toilet seat, has a girl over every night . The first 2 years of our marraige I couldn't come home and shower after a 12 hour shift and taking care of patients with infectious diarrhea because there were always so many kids in the house. I've kept the house clean, repaired doors that he kicked on, made him birthday dinners, cleaned and painted his bedroom, patched 15 holes in the wall while he was in rehab. I could go on and on. Now 7 years later my husband still wakes him up for work at a job he got him, pays his bills, lies to his girlfriend that he's at work when he's home in bed strung out from the night before. He hates me, called me a c---, and said he is going to kill me! My husband says, " he's just mad and will get over it. I've found syringes in the house ect. My children won't bring my grandchildren around because of him! I think I should leave because I've so had enough

11/5/2016 04:53:51 am

You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. And you don't deserve this. Save your money. Plan your leave. Love yourself. Find your peace. I left my alcoholic marriage and found peace. I remarried a wonderful guy whose children are both addicted but we work on it and have a good marriage. If we didn't, we wouldn't. The AA promises are true. Best of luck. Fondly, el

Jeanie

3/28/2017 04:37:47 pm

I too am suffering with this mess. 34 yo Addict homeless and half crazed riding motor bike all nite in dark exhausted and half starved. Took him back again fourth try in three months. I am done disgusted by my husband who thinks he'll fix him this one last time. 50,000 in hole so far. My husband will wipe his butt if he asks and me- then I am the instigator. My advice. Give them three chances then rot in hell. Disgusting abuse married45 yrs.

3/31/2017 05:00:17 pm

Nhtd bfdbn xfhxheshknfff

Irenehoughtaling

11/4/2016 02:27:09 pm

I too have a stepson on pills weed and a sex predator..I tried to help but he stole and destroyed so much on me..I am ready for a divorce. I love my husband but his 50 year old son is breaking us apart.......he refuses to leave now he wants to bring his ex wife and two boys into my home.....I a m on oxygen I have to live out if my one room with a lick on my door...

Gabby

3/18/2017 10:33:39 am

I feel your pain. I have been married to my husband for 18 years. When I married him he had 4 boys by 3 different women. 2 with a women he was married to for 2 1/2 years they were 13 and 11, (very questionable if the 11 year old is even his) 1 9 year old from a one night stand, and 1 one year old from a marriage that lasted only 1 1/2 years. All 3 of these women are toxic. The 1st enabled her kids to steal, drink, and smoke pot in their early teens, the one-night stand had 2 other children by two other men she was never married to and now is with a man merely for his money, the 3rd cheated several times with another married man, hence that relationship with my husband ended, and then a met him. I fell in love with him and nothing else, the way it should be. Fast forward to today, They and their Mothers have caused so many problems throughout the years if our marriage. Now she has pushed the 28 year old heroin addict on us. He also has a child that is 2. Was in county jail a week on un-drug related charges directly, but for uninsured car, no valid registration and something else, causing him to loose his job, no money and he wanted to leave the town he lived in with another addict and come live with us, which is 60 miles away. I am home all day and have a Senior in high school, so that wasn't happening, so he went to luve with my husband's Mom which is 25 miles away from where he lived.....Now he stays with her, no job, no responsibilties, no car and we have to give his Mom money to take care of of him.....remember he's 28. Tells his Dad he has been clean 15 weeks.....hmmmm well where has all his money gone to while he was working?? Heroin is out of your system in 3-4 days from a blood/urine test. I suggested random drug test him.....my husband is in denial, and says no, he believes him. I said I don't believe him and I then became the stupid "cunt" that wants his son to go down....hmmmm None of his kids have anything to do with him, never wishes him Happy Father's Day or burthday wishes. They only come around when they need bailed out or money. I'm really tired, so tired of living with this bullshit. Then my husband texts me and said, I am moving out and getting a apartment to deal with his adult son because I am a negative bitch. What do you think.....GOD's answer to my situation.....should I just let it happen??

james

4/3/2017 10:59:45 am

my wife and i have been together for 28 years, we have been through drug addiction with her son-in-law daughter-in-law and now my son. my son wants treatment and is working on getting help. he has burned his bridges and is now homeless, he also has daughter and son who love him dearly. his wife is questionable about being supportive in him getting help. her family had enough and got him to leave. he has stayed at one friends or druggies house one after another for four months, they all eventually couldn't have him stay anymore. out of desperation he came to our house and said he wants off drugs and has seen doctors about treatment. we reluctantly said only temporally as long as you work on going for treatment. we set boundaries and stipulation. we have gone through hell with those boundaries with my wife and i being strained to the max. my wife constantly is in my face as where he is off to and questioning every little thing he does. i got so mad that i told her thats it! "I've had it!" I am moving him out! I packed all his stuff and threw in the garage and said in a text message to get the f out. "i can't do this anymore. We are constantly fighting because we don't trust you even when you go for a bike ride. when he came back he said we could drug test him and swore he wasn't going for drugs because he is on suboxin and told my nagging and complainng wife that she could hold on to his suboxin as proof that he isn't out trying to sell it. That was the third day in a row that i was hammered by her and her daughter-in-law (who is on methodone) with advice about kicking him out telling me he is manipulating me, he is a liar, he is using us and he won't go into treattment. one negative thing after another. I got so mad that i said the worst thing in the world that a father could say to him .My wife told me she is leaving me and that was the third day in a row she was leaving me. My son for the first time was actually hurt by the horrible mean things i said. He said he has issues that he knows he needs help and does want his family back and said that he will communicate with us better. My wife was ok with that. maybe blowing up was a blessing in disguise and made him realize that we aren't going to put up with procrastanating, or playing us for fools. he is doing the paper work and going to appointments on his own. I'm still holding my breath and hope he follows through. i can't handle another blow up like that

Susan link

5/30/2017 06:03:52 pm

I say Get the f--k out of there! My son too has serious problem and seems to be getting motivated by my not allowing him to come home if its beyond my time limit. They like comfort, but mostly dont want to EARN it nor be helpful. When you set limits and crunching down it helps. In your case, this kid is 28 and has been out of control. Your doing him a favor spiritually by not allowing this abuse.

Laura

6/2/2017 09:11:57 pm

Gabby, I am in a very similar situation. I was wondering how your situation is moving along, and maybe even connect and compare notes if possible. I have nobody who can understand the pain and frustration I am feeling right now. :(

Mom of 4boyz

5/24/2018 08:28:12 am

Wow your husband sounds like a jerk! Let him and his son go! I have an addict stepson too, my husband would NEVER talk to me like that. We stick together, discuss everything and come up with answers together!! So yes this is a blessing in disguise, put the mask on and RUN

Sue Ann

5/5/2017 09:34:50 am

Amen

K.J. link

9/25/2017 11:33:37 pm

Pat, thank you for a mature nonjudgmental answer. Addicts are so tough to deal with and bring so much pain to the family. It doesn't really seem to matter who they are. Father, Mother or child. Yes, I can agree that many factors are involved with addiction. What I think is most important is that people need to understand that only an addict can decide to quit. It really doesn't matter if you enable them or lock them in a closet. If someone wants to use they will find the means and a way to do it. Very hard situation when asking a parent to abandon an addicted child-even an adult. We know they may end up in even wore case scenario. My suggestion to take a temporary break from the addict and his father. You don't need to give up. Just give yourself a break

marie link

8/13/2018 09:20:34 am

Hello.. I recently became engaged to a wonderful man who has two adult sons addicted to heroine. One lives on the street and is a full blown addict. The other lives with his dad and obviously has hidden his addiction untl last week when he was found in his room passed out with all of the evidence right there next to him. I'm bothered with this because now my fiancé is in denial, his son told him it was his first time that he tried it, his brother gave it to him to sell because he needed $, blah,blah blah... since I heard this B.S. I've pulled away, not only because I know his story is b s. But he has nearly caught the apt. on fire by passing out with a cigarette, joint, or whatever, my fiancé has found burnt holes in blankets, on furniture and on his clothes. Now I'm refusing to go over there and stay because I don't want to get trapped in a fire, endanger my life because my fiancé believes his son won't do this again. I haven't said much but hopefully my actions will speak louder than words.. please any advise would be appreciated, I am embarrassed to talk to my family and friends about this, I've tried looking up articles and reading material on this matter this article is the only thing I've found close that relates to what is starting to happen in my relationship... thank you. .

Judy

7/27/2018 12:42:15 pm

Pat, you got that right!

6/18/2013 07:28:44 am

First let me say I am so sorry for your pain. I have a soon to be 21 year old son who is an addict and my husband, his stepdad, has been the only reason I have been able to get through this and am still getting through this. He has 2 children of his own, my stepsons, who are not addicts and live happy productive lives. I'm hoping I can speak to you from your husband's point of view. I hate the choices my son has made & is making. He had a very priveledged life. He was/is the smartest of our 3 combined children. He had a full scholorship to a recognizable collge and blew it with his immature decisions. Both my husband & I believed his lies and thought we could 'fix' him. It doesn't work that way- If it did, just us wanting him to be well would have worked years ago. I can tell you as the biological parent of the 'sick' child, I hated hearing anything about my stepsons- it drove me crazy. I would leave the room. I resented them for having happiness or accomplishing anything- I thought that should be my son- not them. I was/am the better parent, I made sure my son had all the resources, trips around the world, every new gadget or toy. New clothes, the right sneakers.... I was so angry that my stepsons are normal and my husband doesn't have these issues, but then I finally realized that he does- he cries just like I do- he wants him well just like I do. I let so many angry words pass between us that it did start to hurt our relationship. I never wanted to harm our relationship, and maybe your husband doesn't either. I was just so angry about my life and that my son was doing this, that I took it out on him. Maybe your husband doesn't even realize what he's doing. Having an addicted child is very distracting. I was mad at my husband for things that he had nothing to do with- but he was an easy target. I had some very dear friends who were brave enough to point it out to me- my flaws in this, and how unreasonable I was being me. I skipped my oldest son's college graduation because I was jealous- that should be my son, I thought. I was wrong and I hurt my husband. My youngest stepson graduated from HS yesterday- I was there, cherring, as I should have been. I'm sorry your marriage isn't making you happy right now. This situation is beyond stressful- maybe talk to your husband about how you feel and be honest. I'm glad someone talked to me an showed me what I was losing . Your husband needs you more than you know right now. There are NA meetings that might help you both- other parents who can speak to the same issues you are having. You're not alone and you are not the first stepmom who feels this way....think about it. Good Luck.

Martin

3/8/2016 06:07:18 pm

I have three step kids from twenty five to 38 years old they all have kids we are taking care if three of six 1 from 1 two from the oldest. We have incurred many hardships from them. Where do u draw the line

Debbie Barger

7/11/2013 11:42:05 pm

I am so lost with what to do for my adult drug addicted son. I just don't know where to turn for help. If anyone knows what I can do please let me know. My heart is broken beyond repair and my family is being destroyed by this. Thank you.

Susie

7/12/2013 03:57:48 am

Hang in there Debbie. A lot (if not all) of us know where you're coming from so YOU ARE NOT ALONE! First thing is to take care of YOU. Have you seen a doctor? I am on two antidepressants and if I weren't I don't think I could function. Will you elaborate on your story? What have you tried, what's going on now, etc? I've been thinking about making an appointment with a psychologist who is a recovering addict so he can give me some ideas. My daughter has been in rehab five times and I have to have hope. But it's a scary ride and you just have to hang on tight. Remember what you're going through right now is going to pass so be still and breathe. Pray if you believe in God; I know prayer is my stronghold.

Dee

6/25/2017 05:57:05 am

I disagree! My advice is to stop sheltering them because they will take full advantage of your support! I know that the captain is supposed to sink with his/her ship but in your case you're not the captain! I believe in god and god helps those who help themselves. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying to give up just don't become a punching bag for their addiction.set boundaries and if they don't comply one life ruined is better than multi lives being destroyed

Linda Connell

7/23/2013 01:59:34 am

My son is an opiate/benzo addict. My frustration is if this is a disease, which I do believe it is, why can't they get help. If someone has cancer or some other horrible disease they can go to a doctor or hospital and be treated no questions asked. Addicts many times do not have insurance or money, but without that you can't get treatment. It's hard to fundraise for an addict, who's going to support a junkie. Cancer patients have relapses, so do addicts. Addicts need a place to detox and get extensive therapy. Three or four days in a county facility, then released with no follow up care really doesn't work. I'm very frustrated with the way this disease is perceived. These young people need help now and I don't know how we change people's idea of what the disease of addiction is. ITS A REAL DISEASE and it is killing our young people. What do we do.

Bronwyn Tanner

6/1/2016 10:03:45 pm

Part of this horrendous disease is denial. It plays a huge role. They deny that anything is wrong. It is a real disease and it destroys everyone

9/13/2017 10:06:59 pm

You don't choose to get cancer. You do CHOOSE to start doing drugs. I understand addiction is a sickness but it is preventable. I think comparing it to something people cannot control is a cop out. Not trying to be a jerk, just not overly sympathetic to the selfishness of drug abusers.

Lynda

9/26/2017 08:34:37 am

AGREE!

Judy

7/27/2018 12:53:20 pm

You are wrong! Think whatever you want but millions of people are selfish! How about the very overweight person who has diabetes? The person who has cancer from smoking? The person who needs a liver transplant from drinking! You don't know why other people have the illnesses they do and how many of them are caused by their own selfish behavior. Spend some time around a person addicted to heroin and maybe you will gain some sympathy!

Ruth

12/2/2017 09:26:24 am

I agree 100%. My adult son is a heroin addict and there is so much we can do without trying to support his habit. He doesn't have insurance or money. I keep running into a dead end. I'm constantly coming up with new ideas to assist him in helping himself get better. He is the oldest of 6 children. I've decided to let him stay at a mobile home I own and will rent out the other rooms to pay lot fee. I figure this will give him the space he needs to be independent and on his own. In return, he will pay utilities and some rent and maintain the mobile home when needed. We also agreed on some ground rules so that we are both being respectful of each other. He won't be far so we are able to maintain that family bond. I'm hoping that him taking on more responsibility to being independent will help guide him towards a better life. Although I have been broken down emotionally, I haven't given up. I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm on antidepressants and now dealing with fibromyalgia. I don't have the strength like before but I'm at the point to try new things. It's a shame that we cannot get the help we need for our loved ones unless we have money to provide it. Don't give up. We need to keep standing up for our loved ones....

Beth

12/3/2017 07:46:39 am

Every time I get on this website its like seeing my own family's struggles in another person's words. I'm glad you haven't given up and sure hope this new living arrangement works for him and for you. I always hope that one of these times something will click with our son too!

Judy

7/27/2018 12:50:51 pm

Linda, I agree with all you have said. Unfortunately, addicts while in the throes of their disease, cause financial, physical, emotional and psychological destruction of themselves and us! That's why we can only help them on the way up, not on the way down!!

Peggy

3/19/2014 11:40:19 pm

I am a step parent of an adult drug addict; his drug of choice is also opiates. Two years ago today my husband, his Dad, and I discovered my stepson had stolen thousand of dollars worth of my jewelry and sold it for pennies for a few pills. Once we finally got an admission out of him , my husband fired him from his company, we kicked him out of our house and we had him arrested for the thefts. These were not the first thefts and we had warned him that A) another theft would bring the full weight of the law down upon him B) he would lose his job C) he would be kicked out of our house.

We did all those things.

He says he is clean. My husband believes him and has rehired him. I do not believe him as I now find it difficult to believe ANYTHING he says. If he is abstaining, he just started working the 'steps' and in my opinion there has been no personal growth and no change.

I do not want this kid in my life. My husband wants to give him a chance and we argue about how differently we feel about his son.

I am saddened by the fact that I feel differently now about everything than I did two years ago. I feel like I am doing what is described above in reference to disengaging from the marriage and my husband. I resent my husband and my stepson for this.

Before all this we never argued about anything...okay, rarely argued about anything. Now it seems we can not get through a couple days without being sharp with each other or arguing about most anything.

I am in therapy trying to deal with my depression and anger. My husband does not feel like he needs therapy.

I feel like I am at a crossroad.

12/31/2014 05:38:21 am

Boy can I relate. I just kicked my stepson out of house after he ruined another holiday. He's always on something. His parents NEVER did what you too did, even though he robbed them blind. I resent the son's snide remarks how HE can contact HIS father but doesn't ever want me to contact him again - I had sent him a nice get well email. He's a little shit 28 going on 10 and I fear for my marriage.

Irenehoughtaling

11/4/2016 02:44:59 pm

I have a stepson who resides to get out sucks money from his dad..he's a pot head god knows what else..we always fight. He steals si much of my stuff....bring to his friends house...steals lots of tools.....his father keeps saying hes getting out soon...it's been two years . I am very afraid of living with this predictor...and owes two thousand in violations on tickets.....has no license was in jail...yet his father trying to give this junkie a chance....I am o. Oxygen. Going into heart surgery..there are days I really don't,t feel well..and I feel maybe he drugged me..I just don't,t know I live in my bedroom I lock the door alot..I don,t eat the food in the refrigerator I'm very afraid to drank any thing anymore I just don't,t know but I'm frightened......

Carolyn

5/9/2016 08:11:59 pm

would love to know how your life us niw

Bronwyn Tanner

6/1/2016 10:05:26 pm

We have spent thirteen years arguing over his son. He has to help him and denies that the son is using; I know that the son is using and I don't believe in helping an active drug addict. It feels like the drug addict has been the third wheel in our marriage. I am going to end the marriage.

Heather Covington

2/23/2017 09:55:14 am

Oh my god someone else is dealing it like me. 4 years as a step mother and im the one always wrong. Im leaving finally too.

Paula J Runner

1/18/2017 10:08:17 pm

I searched the web for this topic, how to cope as a stepparent of an adult addict because I am : so very sad and feel hopeless and helpless , angry beyond belief, lost, betrayed, and afraid. I am now marriered for the second time in my life. I was married for 20 years before to the father of my adult children. I was single for another 17 years before meeting my current husband. We have been married for 5 years. During the first year and a half I was in the dark about my stepdaughter's drug use. When I first met my husband he explained that she had been in a very serious car accident and it left her both physically and mentally challenged. But other than sometimes having some erratic behavior dealing with some small issues it all seemed normal. When we married my husband confided in me that he also was bipolar and on medication to control his disorder. So I spoke to his doctor and started to educate myself to learn how to help him avoid triggers. He moved into my house and he allowed his daughter to live in his. She is 35 and could not work due to her inability to control her anger when stressed. This is when we or maybe I started seeing the problem. At first I thought they were just very unlucky because their house was broken into and you guessed it- lots of stuff was taken. Twice! And the insurance claims were made. She had a lot of stuff "stolen". Unbelievable as it was in such a nice neighborhood. Of course these claims were paid but suddenly when it was time to renew my homeowners it suddenly sky rocketed. Still the light hadn't gone on in my head. But then it started becoming clear that she was doing drugs. I actually walked in to pick up some mail and saw the needles. The cat was out of the bag and I started adding up all of the unfortunate things that happened to her which required more money. She and her boyfriend destroyed the house and he made her move. Fast forward 2 years and she is calling my husband asking for money, asking for his medicine. I became vocal and told him no. Then she was pregnant and still claiming she was clean and how dare I accuse her of doing drugs. Of course she lost the child to CPS. But would still call and cry saying they were starving, needed money for heat, etc. as I mentioned that my husband has bipolar disorder. Well every time she called it would trigger a manic episode and then depression. I tried to speak to him about it as I was both mad and afraid that one day his depression would worsen. But it just got worse and worse. He would speak/acknowledge the fact that she was an addict and would not give her more money but then the cycle would start over each month. And of course I was the wicked witch because I could see the addiction and manipulation . The constant stress finally pushed me over the edge and I had a massive heart attack in 2014. I am now disabled myself with so much damage that I am on a heart transplant list. My doctor wants me to relieve stressful situations from my life. I see no way unless I divorce my husband as she has gotten worse with her lying, manipulation to get her way. She got pregnant again and the whole time convinced both of her parents that she was clean. I have talked and talked to my husband to quit enabling her to no avail. She lost this child as well. But the calls for money or to pay her bills continued. She was arrested recently for buying heroin/ use/ driving without a valid drivers lisence, warrants and a bunch of other charges including warrants. I too feel like the person who said their marriage is dead or distant. Because every single holiday, event , even my health seems to take a back seat to her needs. I love my husband but the resentment I feel is so large that I too wish I could escape, run away, whatever. My husband gets mad if I say anything. Is there no way to help he and her mother to see how they hurt not help with their enablement? My husband says he doesn't want to loose me but quite honestly I am tired. Tired of what seems a loosing battle. I just don't know what to do.

Beth

1/21/2018 03:37:17 pm

Hi Paula, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. While there is some peace in knowing we aren't alone, none of us wish this on anyone else. I wish I had advice and I'm not the stepparent but the parent but what you wrote spoke to me so much. For me as the parent, it was the impact that both my son's actions and my rescuing was having on my other kids, my marriage, my finances, and my health too. All that just came together in some sort of cosmic event during the last time he lived here. The stress was so great and when he did move out sure enough I found drug paraphernalia upstairs. Again. Its so hard to not help your child because that's what parents do but I have to keep reminding myself that what I have been doing has made no difference. HE has to want to change--I cant do it for him. For me as the parent, hearing from the other parents helps me see that it is a pattern when your kid is doing drugs not the unfortunate circumstances that my child presents. "If you would just help me with this..."And when I see him act so unethically--like he knowingly "borrowed" over $1,000 from one of his few remaining friends last summer leaving her really in a bad place. Previously two years ago I paid another friend some of what he had owed back when he did it to that friend....but then I was like I can't keep doing this. He is 27!!! And he is not getting any better. For some reason, that really resonated with me along with the fact that I became sick too. Now I am concentrating on being well, my family, I am here for him but not financially. Sadly he doesn't really want that right now but I am hopeful it will push him to get well. Take care of yourself!! You are worth it!

Laura

6/2/2017 09:19:20 pm

Peggy, I know this thread is a few years old, but I hope you see this. What happened? I am going through the same thing, and I feel like I'm the crazy one sometimes! I have to find people who have gone through this and see if there's hope.

7/28/2018 07:58:47 pm

I can relate,i have a son 35,remarried for 5 years now .my son has a drinking problem,and is forever into something .in and out of jail. his stepdad has tried to help.but always has smartass comments.his stepdad has 3 children that he has not seen in 20 years .I am feeling really sick right now,my son is in jail now for stealing .I have tried to help him more than one time but what do you do,

Leonie

4/12/2014 01:29:26 am

I don't know how any of you have hung in there this long :( My partner's 14-yr-old daughter is totally off the rails and we've found out has injected drugs at least once, she also abuses her mother (my partner) verbally CONSTANTLY, this has been going on the three years I've known her, she's stolen from her grandparents and her young brothers and won't admit to any of it, and I can't deal with it anymore :( :( :(

Bronwyn Tanner

6/1/2016 10:06:24 pm

I so understand. I can't deal with it anymore. It has been thirteen years of hurt and unhappiness. I am in the process of ending my marriage.

Ann

5/18/2014 01:45:17 pm

I was so relieved to see these accounts of other step-parents struggles with an addicted step-child. I suppose the real issue for me is the enabling my husband has done. I will be honest and say that I was very naive about drug use, that I have never been involved in illegal drug use nor had I ever associated with anyone who had. I also feel it may be necessary to point out that as a step-mother, my account has already been villianized. Since I became a step-mother, any effort I made was met with complete rejection and it will become clear as you read this that I have thoroughly returned that rejection now due to the addiction and behavior issues of my step children to my great dismay. Addiction and behavior issues that threaten my marriage certainly don't impress upon anyone that my desire to be a Christian woman is anything but a hypocritical attempt.

I need to clarify that the child with the predominant addiction behaviors is only 15 now, has been in rehab twice already, her mother is an addict who has abandoned her children to engage in a live of drug addiction. She has desire and genetics for drug use.

My husband and I have been married less than five years, we have separated three times because of our astounding differences in how this/these children should be parented. One with severe behavioral,sexual and drug issues and her older sister who engages in self hurt behaviors (cutting and eating disorders) and sexual addiction behaviors. have been astoundingly effective in convincing their father that leaving me is the answer to their problems. I'm sure I come off as incredibly harsh in my description of them, but the hurt they have inflicted upon their father and myself has been deeper than anything I have ever experienced and I do struggle with forgiveness for them, even though they are only 15 and 18, their actions have been so incredibly deplorable and life altering for me, I cannot feel any consideration for them. I AM naive and have a hopeless outlook for both of them. How many kids who start this young with such drastic dysfuntion become functional young adults?

At age 13 or 15, when these behaviors became life threatening, was this really a disease? I feel it was a choice, a choice to see why a mother would abandon them. Were the drugs and sexual behavior going to give them the bond with their mother that they never had? (Their mother admits to prostitution to support her habits)

I had suspected drug, lying, sexual behaviors for quite some time even with my lack of experience with these issues with my two grown sons and my teenage daughter. Their father in his denial refused to listen to my pleas for him to realize what his children were up to. They resented that I was able to see through their manipulation of him. At every juncture I was responded to with rejection. I guess it was just a mother's intuition but I knew these girls were doing exactly what I had claimed they were doing, up until the youngest one overdosed on cough medicine at age 14. Each and every time I begged my husband to bring his children under control, I was seen as unfairly persecuting his children who were only acting out in their angst over the loss of their mother to drugs. Furthermore, each time they were caught, his response (after moving out again) was to try and get their mother to return to their life, feeling that her presence 7 years after abandonment would cure them. That her "example" would help. Each time, she has shown up, spent the time making sure they understand that they MUST feel sorry for HER because she is their mother and is an addict. Their mother has no accountability for her actions either! Do you put an addict with an addict? Even when they are mother/young daughter?

We started both of them in psychiatric treatment four years ago, which progressed to psychiatric medications for both of them. They were never neglected by their father, who got full custody of them after their mother had not been to see them in years and had subsequently been found to be in jail. If anything, they were given far too much leeway and guilt parented because of their mother's abandonment and learned very quickly to manipulate that to their advantage. Our church youth pastor told us that he had never met two such entitled/spoiled/manipulative teens in his life.

The youngest began talking at age 12 of how she couldn't wait to try drugs and become a drug addict. Her constant behavior problems at school, home and church brought incredible dysfunction to our blended family. She was simply unwilling and unable to correlate actions with consequences. Therefore, as I hear of her second rehab stint and my husband has gone into hiding as he once again attempts to "solve" this. I have come to the realization that this is just the beginning of a lifetime of addiction issues he will have with her/them. I say "HE" because he and I have agreed that he and I will not live together again u

12/31/2014 05:44:01 am

Wow. I am having SO much trouble with the product of two enabling parents. I can related to your post. Are ou still out there?

Ann

12/31/2014 07:32:33 am

Jb, I ironically just this morning got a call from my husband, whom I have not lived with in 1.5 years, his youngest daughter was put in jail yesterday due to the drug use. She's had three misdemeanors this year and two stints in rehab. Since I wrote last in May, she went thru a 45 day stint in a rehab facility (her 3rd) and is now using again. I think the thing I find appalling is that he is so paralyzed by this. To me, it just seems like the next step she would take. I haven't seen her in a year and I am really glad that she is off the street, with little chance of hurting someone else in her idiocy. I have no idea if a marriage can survive the addiction of a step child if the biological parent is so completely addicted to the chaos their child creates. I'd like to think that she will hit bottom and come back up soon, but her mother was fifty years old before that happened. Whether she will survive that long...I don't think so, she's already tried heroin. I think that this dependence he has on "saving" her will result in him losing his job, pretty much everything and it's not going to save her. If she chooses to allow God into her life and change her heart, I think that is her and his only chance at beating this.

Peggy G

5/18/2014 11:54:41 pm

Ann, separating and moving on with your life seems the wisest and healthiest choice for you. It does sound like your husband is in it until something happens that is so devastating that there is no choice and no one else to blame or deflect the blame onto or one or both of the girls kill themselves with drugs or behaviors or circumstances.

Giving up on a child is the hardest thing a parent could ever do and your husband is no where near that decision.

Ann

5/19/2014 04:23:42 am

Peggy, If you have experience with drug addiction can you tell me what the prognosis is for someone so desperately interested in drugs at such a young age? Am I being fatalistic? Are there lots of kids who used drugs and needed rehab and emergency room visits at this young age who turned around? I understand a huge portion of kids try drugs but I would say that the majority don't pursue it to the point of needing rehab twice by age 15. Because I know this girl and because I have watched her lie, steal, rage and manipulate, I cannot believe that she will be in the group that goes onto to a more productive life. I have not lived with my husband for a year now, we tried reconciling in November but within a week of me being there she was forcing him to choose between sending her to live with relatives in Seattle or get rid of me. He left me.
That seems pretty cut and dried, I've been left three times because enabling these kids was more important than the marriage. I understand that with kids this young, you try as hard as you can to help them and that it is not yet time to throw in the towel. I'm sure, given my husband's conversations with me that he expects them to grow up, move out and suddenly be not severely dysfunctional.
Yet I believe the reality is that they will always be calling with chaos and crisis. I married this man because I loved him and had no idea these children were headed down this path given the opportunities they had available to them. if these kids had diabetes, if they had been in a debilitating car accident, etc., it would not be even considered to leave him because of their disease or infirmities...However with illegal drugs and enabling-co-dependent behavior by him...I feel like I am being ridiculous to think that this will resolve with anything other than their unfortunate deaths due to their choices and behaviors. The thought of spending years encompassed in their chaos is grossly toxic to my health. If giving up on a child is the hardest thing, giving up on a spouse must be the 2nd hardest thing and I am nearing that decision.

Peggy G

5/19/2014 05:22:18 am

I do have experience and my step-child (now an adult) was 14 when he started using. My husband and I thought he needed intervention with drug and alcohol counseling when he was 17. We were unaware of the seriousness of his problem until then. We knew he was "experimenting" but had no idea it had gotten to the level that it was.

Rather than abide by our demands to enter counseling and go to drug and alcohol treatment, he chose to return to his enabling Mother. His drug use, arrests, drinking etc accelerated until he quit high school following a near fatal car accident that was caused because he was stoned and high on a mixture of things; at lunch break from school.

He is 26 now, a convicted felon, almost overdosed 4 years ago, has been in and out of rehab, Narcotics Anonymous but says he is clean now.

According to him, he has been clean for 2 years. Coming within a hairs breath of serving time in a prison, not a county jail, seems to have been the bottom he needed to hit to get him to examine his choices and decide to try to lead a more productive life.

Only time will tell if this will stick or if it is 'true' recovery or abstinence until he is off probation and mandatory, random drug-testing and a prison sentence if he fails the test.

Every circumstance is different and dictated by each individual and how far down they have to go before they realize they need to change. Typically it does not happen while there is someone constantly putting a net below them before they reach their bottom.

Laura

4/30/2015 12:51:38 am

OMG... you are singing my song... I am in a relationship for 1.5 years. My story is your story only yours if further along. I love my partner more then anything but I don't know if I can survive this. I have 4 grown children and all of them are healthy productive citizens. My partner has three children and all of them.. I am finding out has some type of mental issue. I have thought about moving out but staying together with my partner... but what kind of relationship is that...? Thousands of dollars were spent again on this kid for rehab. He only went into rehab because it was winter and he needed a place to stay. Now that it is summer he is right back out on the streets. He wasn't even out of rehab for a week before he got locked up.. thank god.. however, his mother and father are going to bail him out AGAIN. I can really say nothing because "its not my kid". I really don't know what I am going to do. This kid is ruining every relationship he comes into contact with.

Jeanie

3/28/2017 04:44:21 pm

RUN AWAY FAST they will kill you
The caseworker st clinic told me he had to do it by himself. She was right. LET THEM! They will carve your heart right out of your chest and kill your marriage

Leonie

5/20/2014 09:08:09 pm

Hi Ann - all I can say is please look after yourself. I only have a small amount of experience with this personally but I have worked in child and adolescent mental health in the past - without being negative, I find it hard to imagine that your husband's children will change their behaviours without a lot of long, hard work - maybe you could tolerate that process if your husband was able to think about your needs as well, but it sounds like maybe he's too caught up in trying to help them to support you too? :(

Ann

5/21/2014 02:11:11 pm

Gosh, it appears that I have garnered a lot of sympathy. I did not mean to do that, at least I don't think I did. I sincerely wanted advice on drug abuse and the statistics of kids who are addicts this young getting better. I think I got that and a bit more. I appreciate the feed back. I am at a cross roads, I feel like rationality has only been in place with me during the chaos of these girls teens. Friends and family want me out, strangers think I should get out, pastors think I have given it my all with very little in return. I'm struggling with my intense love for a man who is assaulted with chaos and may never know anything else. What would an old age look like where bank accounts are drained getting a step child out of jail, rehab, trouble with dealers, medical care. Where health is robbed due to the stress of all these things. Do I lose my soul because I'm not hardy enough to want my marriage to take second place to a life of catering to a step child's addiction or do I lose my soul because I walk away from someone who quite honestly is probably quite deep in the throws of a mental breakdown from the stress of his children?
Perhaps it is time to step out of my comfort zone and do some service/volunteer time with addicts. Garner some experience, see where I feel in a few months. Thank you Peggy G and Leonie

Marianne Brown link

12/31/2014 05:44:49 am

I have a 25 yr old step-son that lives with his dad and i. He is an alcoholic, liar, etc. Every night is drama in our home.Hes lived with us 1 yr been kicked out 3 times. One week he stayed at a motel went through 800.00. Hes gone through a total of 5 jobs so far in this past year. He even sold his Christmas gifts we bought him to have cash to buy alcohol

12/31/2014 08:14:26 am

My stepson will be 28 this year. He knows I don't believe a word he says and he is now trying to manipulate and put a wedge between husband and me. I am not sure it won't fail, but I called him on a few things and he did not like that. Marianne sounds like you have to kick him out again. I married my husband but had long distance job and when I finally moved home the condition was son moved out. I'm so glad I did that but it hasn't helped and every holiday is a nightmare.

Barry

3/21/2015 03:35:15 am

Nice to know there are other step-parents out there going through this. I have 3 biological daughters, 2 step-sons and my second wife and i have a son together. I have poured more time and energy in helping my 20 year old step-son with drug addiction than any one else, including his mother/my wife. I'm glad someone said in an earlier post that my wife needs me now more than ever. This kid has spent 2 years in college (jr. college now) with 6 hours passed. Now, everything is a mystery and i'm out of the loop. I believe my wife is sending him money behind my back, lying to me about him and his status (i don't know if he's in school or not). Christmas day our whole extended family got to experience a seizure on the kitchen floor. I organized an intervention the day after Christmas. When i said i needed a break during the intervention, he tells me "yea, Barry. Why don't you go call someone and find out what to say!" (He's mocking me for reading books and seeking counsel in my efforts to try to help him.) Our latest and most recent conflict involves whether he should be let in our home again. We still have 3 kids in our home, the youngest being my 7 year old son who worships the step-son. I have never received an apology for the mocking and other rude and hateful disrespectful comments from this kid. One expert has told me that Mom is choosing the kid over me, which I'm sure you all think is obvious and an understatement. I thought we'd agreed he would not be allowed in our home while stoned. She now says she never agreed to that. She is concerned his feelings will be hurt. Easter is coming. I have to figure out how to navigate this. Other than her, no one wants to be around him - his pupils are diolated, he's hyper and just messed up. He scares my daughters. We can't take any extended family trips together anymore b/c we can't leave him out b/c it hurts his feelings and crushes her. Can't take him with us b/c no one wants to be around him and would certainly not prefer to witness another seizure. During the intervention (which was not effective at all), we told him of the family consequences - didn't lay a glove on him. I'm sure you've all scene this - he's an expert at deflection and manipulation. His mom will now not hold him accountable for or confront him about anything. He responds with emotional blockmail. He's a bully. What's particularly "awesome" is she now does the same to me. As long as i "behave" and never mention his name or ask about him, i get to live in peace. If i ever do ask about him, i get lies and deceit. If i press, i get attacked. First me, then my daughters, who, of course, I think (according to her) are perfect.

He's home for "spring break" which, for him, somehow lasts 2 weeks. Remember, i suggested i don't think he's even registered for school. And, of course, there are no jobs available. Well, there might be, but he can't get one b/c we won't let him drive his truck w/o a license, which he can't get b/c of unresolved ticket, that's really been paid or hasn't. Who knows? i don't get a straight answer on anything. Anyway, i thought he was band from the premises, but i guess not since i've come home from work twice to find him in our house. He was arrested for theft in December. i'm sure things will go missing around here and, of course, he will not be the culprit. And (from her perspective), i will only suspect him b/c of my hatred for him. I tried to "decree" that he's not welcome in our house, but she can't agree to that and she's in charge. My girls have had it with his havich. My parents and brother's family are just trying to be supportive.

In case anyone is actually reading this, I'd like to declare that i will never leave my wife. i made a vow, and with God's help, i will honor it. Life is not about being "happy", it's about serving the Lord who died the most painful death in history that i might live. It's His peace and comfort that are helping me manage.

I don't know that i have heard from any step-dads, yet, on any of this. It's so hard to try to provide for, support and protect a family when you feel like the "leader' of our home is a 20 year old spoiled, manipulative kid.

I really mean the following. And, if you are the biological parent in this situation, please listen to this. If my wife would just acknowledge my hurt, give me a little respect, stand by me, stop lying to me, honor my wishes occasionally, stop attacking me, deflecting, attacking my kids, i can easily handle all this rest. I hope this is informative to someone out there who's marriage is in trouble.

3/21/2015 09:53:06 pm

Wow your post was very familiar and sad. Your wife needs to go to Narc Anon asap before that kid robs you blind. You can go with her - sounds like she's not treating you well either. If you don't have a united front this "kid" will run all over you. I went through a lot of lying about school/job too. I made so many phone calls before I could PROVE it but there were no repercussions so lying continued...ugh! Now I kicked him out and I feel horrible about that but I couldn't take it anymore.

Barry

3/22/2015 01:56:51 am

Thanks for the reply, jB. I assume you are talking about your 28 year old step son that you kicked out. Just want to encourage you. The fact that you even had to ask him to leave evidences his problem. At 28, why is he there in the first place? Articles on enabling and experience of others repeatedly express that no change occurs until the support stops. I know that's hard to absorb and act on, but i know i believe it. We kicked out my step son Jan '14 after learning in late December that he stopped going to class after 2 weeks, didn't bother dropping any so tuition would be refunded, didn't get a job like he was supposed to.He found a buddy's coach and just partied for 8 months until last fall. Of course, mom was there to given him one more chance at college. It's maddening. Back to the encouragement: he can't be living in your home. He's destroying your marriage and himself. He'll only change when he has to change. As one dad told me, he will continue to negotiate "slivers" until "no" means "no" and "no" equals "zero" support.

ann

3/23/2015 09:10:31 am

Well, it's certainly a common theme that marriages suffer tremendously from the addiction behaviors. Although I'm sure it's no piece of cake with a biological child, it seems to be even more of a nightmare for those of us who are dealing with children (or adults) who have no respect for our relationships. What I have learned these past two years is that my marriage is worth fighting for. This child's addictions and my husband's enabling behavior are going to continue but IF I can be supportive of my husband and IF a spouse can understand the guilt/protective mechanism that goes on in a person who feels like their first divorce IS somewhat responsible for their child's misbehavior...then it ought to be reckoned that that same person you married might take a while longer to come around to understanding they are unable to control their children's addiction and the ensuing garbage that comes with that. However, with support rather than defensiveness you may stay married through this. You will lose the marriage if you don't fight for it above the addiction. I personally am assisting my husband in getting healthy in his response towards his young daughter's addiction. She is continuing all the horrible things and adding to them and we do expect this to be a life long deal with her. What changes is how he learns to address it. How we address this with faith and how we allow God to be for her what we can not.
I think addiction is so strange a thing for a biological parent to grasp if they haven't dealt with it in their own lives. You changed this baby's diapers, you taught it to walk, you held it through illness and loved it beyond measure only now to have it choose to self destruct. Now you have a non-biological parent who probably has fully functioning children standing next to you and you feel judged, you feel disrespected, you feel defensive. The addict might take accountability eventually, if you have done all you can to get them help and they refuse, support the biological parent by setting boundaries and working on the marriage and what the underlying problems are. (communication most likely).
There are no one answer fits all but I am hopeful that some people want to fight for the marriage beyond the issues of the kid. I wish it could be the Brady Bunch but it didn't happen. We won't have the Norman Rockwell Thanksgivings even though we desperately thought that we could. There's a lot of tragedy in divorce long after the paperwork is signed as we have all observed. Work hard to not be involved in it again.

Laura

4/30/2015 01:00:56 am

You are talking my story. Everything you say is my situation except my step child is addicted to heroin. He went into rehab for the winter because he had no where to stay. His parents paid a fortune for it. As soon as it got warm he left rehab and was probably using while in rehab. I am glad to hear that I am not alone in this endless struggle.

Robin

6/29/2015 05:32:38 am

My husband and I are dealing with is youngest son who is 24 years old and has been smoking pot since he was 14 on a regular bases. The pot turned into cocaine use, then prescription drug, then to meth. He has a girlfriend who also has/or is also doing drugs. They have a 3 year old son and a 2.5 month old daughter. In the going on 3 years my husband and I have been together there is a cycle that continues. Everything is calm, then they don't have money for food, step son loses his job, get kicked out of the housing, fights begin. In January I bought insurance to get him to rehab. Long story short he went and didn't engage in the program. He was there for 2.5 months and lied to us saying that his gf was being induced. My husband confirmed with his gf and she told the same story, which was a complete lie. My husband and I spoke to counsellors and they told us that we have to set hard boundaries. I have been very impressed with my husband that he had let them deal with their own life and consequences until recently. In the passed he would bail them out constantly. They have managed to manipulate him into buying groceries and giving them money for food. I should have known this was coming. They got $3,500 in tax return and are on welfare. After 3 month of very little contact all of the sudden he is calling his dad again with all the excuses of why he doesn't have a job or money. He and the gf lied to my mother in law and she then came to our house and started a fight because she thinks we aren't helping him. This is only a small amount of the hell we have been through. Drug addicts are known to divide and conquer by lying and manipulating. I'm at a lose. My husband is giving them money mainly because they use the grandbabies as tools to guilt him. I do not believe in divorce and have no intent to leave my husband, I just need us to be on the same page. I love my husband unconditionally, but I feel the division starting in a matter of 24 hrs. We have 4 other kids. The two younger ones are my biological children. They are 11 and 13 and it is so important to me that we set a great example of how marriage should be. I so disappointed that after everything we have gone through my husband has allowed the cycle to start again. I also have become the target because I am the one who is getting the blame for everything that goes wrong, everyone tells me it's because I'm the new one in the family. Any suggestions to how we can get on the same page??

Tonyah

5/3/2017 08:20:17 pm

My 24 yo step son was addicted to heroine we pulled him out of his mothers garage and brought him to our home. I have always looked at him as I do my own kids. He has been with us for a year. And it's been really. Hard. We have taken away all internet access as well as phones. And all money any money he gets goes into a savings account for him when he is ready. But here are times he puts me in the middle of him and his dad. His dad gets very irritable. And some times down right nasty with me. When I tell him his son just drank a bottle of vodka. Because he doesn't have access to heroine alcohol is his go to. He seems to coddle his son because once the water works turn on dad feels sorry for him and vents his frustrations out in me a lot of times where we won't talk for days. I don't want him to leave because he has nowhere to go and I dread that call from the police that he is dead. It has put a huge strain on our relationship. But at the same time I want him to leave but know he is safe. I feel so torn. Any suggestions.?

Gina

1/11/2016 03:52:59 am

Wow, Barry! I felt like I was reading about myself in your post, with the exception that I'm the Stepmom. My husband sounds exactly life your wife does! My 26 year old stepson has been using pot since the age of 14 (forced to smoke his first time with his biological mother). He graduated to cocaine and various pills by the time he was 17. His two biological sisters are not like this. I've raised all three along with my two daughters from my first marriage. My husband has always been hard on the girls but not with his son. I've tried to tell him for years that he was going to lose his daughters if he couldn't quite enabling his son. Now that it's starting to happen, I'm accused of brainwashing the girls against him. All of our children are adults, most married with children and don't want to see their brother after a failed "family intervention" a few months ago. It might have had a chance at doing some good except my husband couldn't hold his end up and later denied he said he would hold our son to what we said he needed to do for us to "be there" for him, his pregnant girlfriend, and her 3 year old son. Which was to get some professional help. Rehab, preferably, counseling, NA, etc. Then we'd contact him in one month to see what, if any changes had been made. It only took him one unanswered call before my stepson had my husband right back to their dysfunctional relationship. He was arrested for during under the influence of pills the day after being so high at his sister"s Birthday Party the night before, he didn't remember it. My husband bailed him out of jail. I should add, my stepson went to rehab 3 years ago and started using immediately upon his release. His girlfriend was using with him when she got pregnant and says she's clean now, but I doubt it. My husband and I ran into them (without her son). on Xmas Eve at a store where it was obvious my stepson was high. He made a huge scene at the checkout line because his "card wouldn't work" so instead of walking away, my husband paid his $350 bill. I know he was humiliated and embarrassed, but my once healthy, intelligent, handsome, loving stepson whom I still dearly love is killing himself. I've been in counseling for over 2 years now. Most of it trying to deal with a husband who for years said I was "tattling", "making it all about me", "who's the grown-up here?" among many other words or phrases when I'd try to talk about disciplining any of his children, once they hit Jr. High. We've been together since my stepson was 4 and saved him from many dangerous situations with regards to his biological mother. I don't want to leave my husband but now the secrets, lies, cover-ups, etc. is between the girlfriend as well (who by the way, hates me and all of the sisters because of the intervention and it's aftermath). Besides putting her son in danger, she now also manipulates my husband to the point my stepdaughters made some remarks that, to put a G rated spin on it, let me know they thought the relationship between the girlfriend and my husband is beyond inappropriate. So now, not only can I not bring up anything about my stepson, he protects the girlfriend and shows her more attention and affection than any of us! I could go on and on but I'd probably just have to start a blog instead...or write a book under " fiction" because no one would probably ever believe what I've been through with my husband and loving him and those "three precious children" that first entered my girl's and my lives so many years ago...

Barry

1/11/2016 07:32:36 am

Gina, i'm so sorry to hear this. I'd like to offer some recent revelations in my own saga. First and most importantly, we've met a great counselor. Actually, my wife had been going to her for years and then invited me. She's great. She tells the truth to both of us. Gentle but direct. She told my wife - "you do tend to defend and deflect". Told me - "your demeanor and tone tend to make it harder for her to be honest and forth-coming." She also told me that when i fold (do the wrong thing for the family) for the sake of efforts to please my wife that i'm enabling her to enable the kid. I have so much more peace now. We exclude him from all family events including Christmas. It's not "awesome" b/c she's sad about it but at least we don't have holiday seizures and trips to the ER like we did last Christmas. I've told my wife (and i'm not sure if this has helped or not) that if you and he need to share the same home, then you need to find yourselves a home, b/c he will never ever live we me again. Not talking divorce; just separation to go "be with" your 21 year old addict.

Best advice i think is this: find a Christian marriage therapist who will directly tell your husband that his wife has to be in first place in his life by a mile. You need a therapist to get your husband to agree on some boundaries. 2nd, encourage your husband to get informed so he knows how to help his son. Check out www.na.org. This is what i'm doing now. I'm encouraging her to find out how to help him as opposed to hammering her on the enabling activity. I suspect there will eventually be plenty of biological parents at NA that will tell her and she will hear from them what she won't hear from me.

One more thing the therapist told me that was helpful: understand that your wife is in denial and she can't see it. Try to have compassion for her and have sympathy for her situation, instead of letting it drive you insane.

I hope something I've said his helpful. I feel your pain. I do know it's hard, but hope that you will fight "hard" for your marriage. Best, Barry

10/27/2016 05:25:35 pm

This is exactly my life right now! Only I'm the step mother to the son. My husband moved out to try and help him and I am devastated. I feel like this is exactly what my step son wanted, just him and his dad! His best friend.

Barry

6/29/2015 05:41:37 am

Robin, my saga continues as well. I think my wife and I and you and your husband need to attend NARC Annon or some other counselor. I have tried and tried to explain enabling, etc. with no success. I believe a 3rd party needs to voice that view loudly, repeatedly and convincingly before the enabling parent will get the message. i know you're hurting. i know how you feel. i experience a lying deceiving spouse on a daily basis, all for the purpose of covering for the drug-using do-nothing step son. The party continues and so does the cover. Heaven forbid we hurt his feelings. Hope it helps to know that others are struggling.

Robin

6/29/2015 06:59:19 am

Thank you for your response! I wish I knew how to break the hold his son has on him. His son tells him everything is his fault and I think part of my husband believes him. He loves to pull on my husbands heart because of the grandkids.

Rebecca link

7/30/2015 03:18:22 am

Every story in this thread resembles my life for the last 4 years of my 5 year marriage, except my stepson overdosed on heroin and died several months ago. So now the worst has happened. We got the dreaded phone call on a Saturday morning. He was alive but they feared severe damage to his brain that would ultimately be fatal. He died 6 days later. And what I thought was chaos before his death turned into complete chaos and devastation. My husband is a total wreck as are my other two step children. My dead stepson has turned from an addict into a saint. My husband has no realization that his death was avoidable. We paid for many months in rehab and recovery centers. The day before he overdosed, he saw his addiction therapist who told us she was completely shocked that he used that night as she thought he was well into a successful recovery. In the end, it was my stepsons choice to contact his dealer and fall back into addiction.

What I can tell you all is that his death has been far more toxic to our marriage than when he was a living addict. And I'm so angry! At him, my husband and myself. My husband has turned into a body without any emotion for anything but his grief. We are seeing a marriage counselor, but I'm not sure our marriage is salvageable. How can you reinvigorate a love that has been stomped on, spit on and neglected?

To all of the step parents out there going through the pains of dealing with sick step kids and enabling biological parents, run if you can. This club we have been initiated into is not a "normal" club. It is filled with desperation and hopelessness. I never thought my life would be so sad. I'm a successful woman in a high powered position in my company. My husband is a surgeon. We have a great house, great friends, great other children, and every reason to be happy. However, this addiction has stolen any bit of normalcy we had. Our friends don't know how to react around us. I've noticed most have backed away. I don't blame them. I wish I had stepped away from this life 4 years ago. I think I would be the me I used to be. Not some bitter spouse of a person who is emotionally unavailable.

Also, for those of you who are questioning tough love, I think that could have helped my stepson. Our enablement certainly did not work.

Barry

6/29/2015 05:44:43 am

Jo, just wondering if anything has changed for you. Barry

Robin

6/30/2015 05:12:19 am

God answers prayers! My husband and I are back on the same page. He told our son to not call for money anymore. I pray the our son can get his life together and stop with this major sense of entitlement. I also pray that the drugs come to an end. My prayers also go out to all the wonderful parent on here that have helped me to get though this by reading your stories too. It's is comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Cheryl link

7/31/2015 11:21:24 am

In response to Rebecca's post on 7/30/15, I (Cheryl, the website owner) would like to say: you might want to consider hanging in there for a while if your marriage is something you cherish. Whereas I'm not a step parent, my husband and I have been married 38 years and I'm glad I hung on when he went into a year-long depression after learning of our daughter's addiction. He was completely unavailable to me during that time and it was really tough. However, when he re-emerged and became my husband again, he apologized while promising to never let that happen again. Looking back, I realize that experience was another one of those painful life-learning experiences that taught us much and has stood us in good stead since then.
I can well imagine someone whose life skill is being a surgeon, someone who fixes people, being completely incapacitated by the death of his own child. "I can fix everyone but the ones I love", right? His grieving needs space and much time. And I well know it's no fun at all trying to reside in the same house as someone going through what he is. But . . . perhaps it's worth it? We all have to find our own answer, for sure. All I really suggest is: don't be in a hurry to decide.
Sending love to all ~ Cheryl

Ann

8/4/2015 03:37:25 am

Thanks to Cheryl for writing that marriage is worth fighting for. Rebecca, ,you have experienced the whole gamut of this process, I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who feel if the addict overdosed the problems would be over...but instead, the marriage is not instantly healed? Who would have thunk right? You've screamed, you've fought, you were right in that the stepchild didn't beat the addiction and the death didn't turn out to be a validation. The marriage still suffers from the chaos of addiction. You are still the outsider, the one who isn't invited into the grieving process. I agree with Cheryl, take a while to be the one who stands back and makes a functional home while these people make saints out of the boy. If you aren't able to communicate through their grief, find things that show you care to do for them. For instance, when my husband has been overwhelmed to the point of fetal position by his daughters addiction, there was nothing I could say to help him along, it was only providing him with an ear to listen, with no judgement, a cup of tea, a well placed pillow that made me feel less distant from him. My husband has disappeared many times during his daughter's incarcerations, basically going into the abyss but trying desperately to come out of it by going to mass, Celebrate Recovery and AA.
I'm still living alone due to my step child's addiction but I m very glad that I have not divorced. These issues brought on by our broken world do not eliminate the love I feel for this man and I know that ultimately the stepchild (17 year old girl ) will be the one who has to beat this. All my husband is trying to do now is understand through counseling and CR/AA that his enabling behavior isn't the answer for her or for him. It's not the Brady Bunch, they still love their kids even if we do not. We can love the spouse and support them through it.

Phyllis link

8/4/2015 04:18:00 am

My stepson is 30 years old and a recovering heroin addict. Last February we found out that he was snorting it multiple times a day. He started out using pills for recreation and it escalated. His story is the same as many others I've heard and mine is similar to those I've read here. I feel like I'm the evil stepmother because he puts a wedge between his father and myself. We have been together for 16 years but married for only 7. My stepson has the same name as his dad and has cashed his paycheck and used the money for drugs. He has stolen from his place of business and is under investigation. Since February he has been in rehab and lives in a halfway house. He says he's doing well, although he doesn't talk to me but I find out through my husband. I don't trust anything he says. He has lied to us so many times that I don't trust him, or what he claims. I feel horrible about this and it breaks my heart but my gut instincts are usually right. He has lived with us after his many failed relationships, job losses and evictions; never his fault. I don't want him coming home again and my husband says he doesn't want to move back.
I am currently out of state and last night while talking to my husband on the phone, he mentioned that his son was staying over. I was upset because I have medication that was not put away and jewlery that was left on my dresser. My husband works nights and I couldn't understand why his son would stay at the house. Last time he was home he was using in our bathroom. He says he's been clean 5 months but I wonder. The two times he's been at the house visiting he was up in the bathroom for a while, the last time he fell asleep on the couch.... Same sights when he was using. Am I wrong not to want him staying over, or am I irrational? My husband has been enabling him for years and I wonder if this is just another piece? Any advise is appreciated.

Barry

8/4/2015 05:02:48 am

Heck no you're not wrong. You are simply a victim of this reality: your husband thinks it's more important not to hurt the man's (he's not a boy) feelings as compared to the risk of losing property or violating any agreements he has with his wife. I live with that every day. Very familiar with that program. Most likely any theft will be denied by both father and son and any stolen property will never be recovered. My advice is this: anything that you have that cannot be replaced should be stored in a safe deposit box or hidden. I'm about to enter marriage counselling where i know we will discuss these issues. Given the "kid" is now 30, i suggest you and your husband do the same. I wish you the best. I know it's tough. I just think we (the non-enabling parents) need to protect ourselves, our stuff and the other kids while the enabling continues. I'll also offer this. I've made up my mind to (and am asking God to help me) forgive no matter what. Doesn't matter whether it makes sense, whether it's deserved or whatever. i made a life commitment to this lady, and i'm going to keep it. I can't survive with unforegiveness in my heart. Best to all of you out there.

Melody

11/8/2015 07:34:58 pm

I won't go into details about my two stepsons and the complete and utter havoc they've both played on our lives and marriage throughout the years. Both have been to prison, the oldest was shooting crack and recently released from jail. After years of enabling by my husband he decided it would be a good idea to give him a job since it's so hard for felons to become employed. He's been working at our company now several months and after speaking with his manager I was told he doesn't show up a lot and is late all the time. Manager won't tell my husband for fear of losing his own job. Just found out he's paying him 20 bucks an hour for a job he isn't even qualified for. Didn't go to college. I'm really just going to encourage each one of you to hang in there and perhaps just leaving it all up to God to handle. If I were to say anything it wouldn't make a difference and I'm just so tired of feeling like my husband will never get it. I do not need a resentment and so I'm just going to pray that it works out with as little damage to our company as possible and that God will forgive me for all the thoughts and anger I'm having. Sometimes we have to just let things play their course and realize we have no control over another person.

3/10/2016 07:29:46 pm

My husband has a 50 year old drug addict son he has always supported. My husband just had heart surgery and the son never came to see him and immediately started calling asking him for money. I am so angry that my husband can not stand up to him and is going to die because he still works to support his son. Being a step mother at my age to someone like this is hell.

Ben

1/11/2016 02:49:37 pm

Rmartin

3/8/2016 06:12:35 pm

Good luck stepparents I gave been dealing with stepkid addicts for 8+ years they always get the benefit of the doubt rob you blind

Dorothy D

4/19/2016 10:21:24 am

I have been in an almost 6 year relationship with a man who's daughter is an addict. It's been 6 years of lying, stealing, ditching school, mental hospitals 4-6x, rehab 4x, not coming home, stealing his car, stealing her siblings money and on and on and on. Her mother finally kicked her out and she lived with us for a number of years (during high school) until he kicked her out and now she lives with her mother. Both parents keep giving her money to "help her out here and there" for food, Uber rides, car insurance, "college" etc...we have had many fights over the years about him "bailing her out" and giving her zero consequences for her actions. And I'm always the one who "doesn't understand because I don't have kids"...and it just escalated from pot to skipping school to rehab to a prostitution charge to meth to heroin on and on..

We had other issues as well (other relationship stuff-not drug related-neither of us are addicts or drug users) and I was ending the relationship (although his daughter and the exhaustion from it all did play a part).

During our short "break", his daughter was arrested for heroin and then overdosed on something else and is now in rehab. Again!

And that was it. I'd hit my limit and realized that I cannot live my life with an addict and an enabler. He is now "committed" to therapy and a support group (after I called it quits) and to begin the journey of ending the relationship with his daughter. He asked if I could support him through all of this and I just can't. I have detached from the whole thing. Although I admire him doing this finally after years, I am absolutely done with his daughter and never want her in my life again. I also feel this "process" of him ending the relationship will be long (2 steps forward, 1 step back-which I can understand-this must be nearly impossible for a parent). But I am now depressed and emotionally exhausted after 6+ years of this and I don't want "addiction" as part of my life. I can't risk everything I've worked for-it's too little too late. And it makes me sad because we had a great relationship on many levels, but I have written his daughter off completely and can never see her again. And just knowing that I feel liberated. I am laughing again-enjoying friends, listening to music-all the things I had nearly abandoned in the last 3 years. And yes, I feel guilty about leaving him in his time of "need", but that time will be there every single day of my life. And I will have nothing left. Thank you for whomever is listening. this page has helped me so much.

Robin

4/26/2016 06:08:45 am

Dorothy,
I am in the middle of ending a 5yr relatiionship with a wonderful man. He is the father of to sons 25 & 28yrs old. Both addicts and in and out of rehab more time then I can count, Stealing, lies, masters of manipulation.
This has been going on for more the ten years. The fact is my man is an enabler, he knows it and admits he won't change. In the midst of all the chaos he won't change even when what he does hasn't worked all this time.
After reading your post I am strong in my decision to end things. He will never protect himself from his sons, how can I expect him to protect me ?
I wish you well and an abundance of strength

Dorothy D

4/26/2016 07:26:41 am

Thanks. Glad you are strong. I understand it is very hard and tbh-I have not completely ended it yet, but am not seeing my BF and am living in my apartment. He is working on things, but the more time we spend apart, the better I feel. So I am in the middle of it too. And completely understand your concerns about being protected. I do not feel safe in my relationship (he is not abusive) or in my life with an addict around. I wish you very well and think if your BF is not going to change, run for the hills. I have friends who have addict siblings who are 50 and still the parents enable and they all assure me "run for the hills"-this will tear you apart. It just never ends. All the best. Be strong and most importantly, do what's right for you!

Dorothy D

5/4/2016 03:55:17 pm

I did it! I am out of this relationship! And now sit wondering why I stayed so long. Who knows what will come of his daughter, but I feel absolutely liberated from being attached to an addict and a family of enablers. I should have done this years ago. I actually slept well last night in my own apartment-no angst, no anxiety-just "I never have to deal with that again." Zzzzz REM!

Bronwyn Tanner

6/1/2016 10:09:58 pm

I am also in the midst of ending my marriage. 13 years of having a third person in the marriage. The drug addict. Daddy has enabled / assisted / helped continually. Daddy and I are both members of Al-Anon - but Daddy doesn't work the program. He needs to get the addict to get a life. I have given up. He has never protected himself / us / me / the marriage from this addict. He will always be addicted to the addict. I have gone through far too much hurt to continue. Thanks for being there.

Julie

8/20/2016 08:10:01 am

After reading these stories, I finally feel like I'm not alone. Being the stepparent there are no rewards. My tale begins 9 years ago when my second husband's oldest daughter moved in with a "bad" boyfriend. For the past 9 years it has been car accidents, DUI, possession charges (multitude), methadone clinics, arrests, jail, rehab, doctors office, ER, detox, 20 overdoses, half-way houses, transporting her belongings in trash bags from her mom's house to our house, to lies and promises broken and jobs lost and homelessness. Need I go on? It is just unbelievable. Which brings me to today...
The now 25 year old was kicked out of her mothers house months ago and was living with boyfriends and friends until she burned her last bridge. Her mothers only condition was to go to a long term treatment center. The stepdaughter couldn't stay in detox because they wouldn't give her her "meds". She's on some type of psychiatric medicine and was flipping out. So I get to go pick her up and the place tells me to bring her to ER. After a day of waiting, there are no beds so she has no place to go. What does my husband do, bring her here. Now he has done the same as a lot of these posters, given her jobs at his place of employment (someone caught her shooting up in the bathroom at Daddy's work) taken her in time and time again. So we bring her to our house where she lies around and expects Dad to put her up in an apartment while she looks for a job. Been there, done that too.
Latest is flying her out west to care for elderly relatives for a month. Then what? Just found out all her belongings that we picked up last week at her mothers house (in the trash bags and designer luggage) is all nicely hung up on felt lined hangers in the biggest bedroom upstairs. Add to this there is missing jewelry (gold wedding ring) that I am 100% certain was there. Told my husband I can't do this anymore.

Fasik

1/19/2018 10:54:21 pm

Your speaking my story. 8 years I have been dealing with jails, overdoses, women’s fathers, my totaled cars, fist fights with his drug dealers and of course explaining to my 80 employees why he still works for me. Step son- love him but it doesn’t matter. I not a roll model. I am an obstacle. The manipulation on his mother is unpresidnted. We have not left this house for a night in 8 years without a major event at my house. 100k last year in rehabs alone. We also have twin 2 year old girls who are the love of my life!! Ive realized I can’t help my wife and stepson. I’m ready to take some serious advice!

Chris1019

2/12/2018 04:59:23 pm

For the past 11 years I have taken the back seat to my step children’s addictions. They have been in prison, rehabs, the hospital, out patient, you name it. They have stolen, robbed, sold theirselves, and I even suspect worse to get their fix. A few years ago my stepdaughter stold about 10,000$ worth of family heirlooms from my deceased d grandmother and sold them to a gold melt down shop. This is when I disconnected from her, my stepson has been in and out mostly in prison for all of my marriage. While out of prison on two different occasions he impregnated other drug addicts. I adopted the first child, and the second was born in prison. I refused to adopt another. I have felt so bad for my husband until it hit me recently that it is just as much his fault for enabling them and making excuses for their behavior. At this point I am mad as hell. He has been emotionally unavailable to me and the rest of the family, it’s like he’s addicted to their tragedy. Their issues are not his greatest failure. Him allowing them to ruin his life and marriage are. He has failed to protect the rest of us from the consequences of their decisions by making their feelings his priority. He hides their behavior and gives them money, there is no telling how much of our hard earned money has been spent on drugs. He doesn’t even seem to worry about how it will affect the child we adopted, his biological granddaughter. My stepson got out of prison, he had done 6 years this time and me or my(his) daughter heard from him. I planned her a big party for her school friends she turned 8, and he showed up. I was furious at my husband. I haven’t spoken to him since, and I moved into my son away at colleges bedroom. He hasn’t even tried to talk to me, he is no longer my husband but an empty shell. The only thing keeping me from leaving is my daughter. She has already had such a tragic little life, I don’t want to contribute to damaging her anymore. She was born addicted to drugs at 2.1 pounds with interuterine growth retardation from the drug exposure. She knows she is adopted and that her birth mom is in prison. I don’t know if I can bare to dissolve the only family unit she knows. Pray for me I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Barbara

4/24/2016 08:21:08 pm

Shaken to the core. Exited residential rehab after 32 days. Fourth stay in residential setting. Never met the recovery house rep in California. Fooled us all. Saying goodbye to grandmothers. Saying goodbye to siblings, parents and steps. Just when you think you can breathe, boom. How could we have all been so naive?

Bronwyn

5/2/2016 09:55:02 pm

OH my word - this is my story. I met and married my husband in 2003. He had a drug addict son. I was positive that the son would get clean and sober and we would live happily ever after! Arrrrgh. Many years in Al-Anon and time spent in Tough Love should have taught me otherwise! 13 years down the line, my husband still enables his son who is still using; he has no intention of standing on his own two feet while Daddy enables and controls via money and I loathe both of them. This addict has been allowed to destroy our marriage. My doctor says that my husband is an addict; he is addicted to his son's addiction. Ghastly, sad, lonely, confusing, frustrating situation. Fortunately I run my own business so my own life is busy and surrounded by fun happy people. Home is different.

Robin

5/2/2016 11:00:06 pm

We are now at the beginning of the cycle where our son is back on drugs again. I honestly don't think he was clean but for a month. My husband and I stand strong together, using tough love is the only way to keep a healthy marriage and not enable the addict.
My husband and I didn't see eye to eye on things in the beginning of our marriage with his youngest. It took a lot of heathy communicating to get where we are now. We still go through the drug addict cycles but we do it together. Praying for you all to find a healthy way to cope.

Bronwyn

5/4/2016 09:52:22 pm

Robin that is just so wonderful to read. At our Tough Love Group we were told that there was no way we would survive without being on the same team. We have not survived. The marriage is dead. The father still enables.

Robin link

5/4/2016 05:30:36 pm

Dorothy,
Good for you ! I too am out and feel like I have made he right decision. Reading this blog, and others I realizethis will just go on for years and may never change. I do feel sad, more for the loss and having to start all over again !

Best of luch to you, stay strong!

Sharon L

5/7/2016 11:48:15 pm

My husbands daughter (I don't call her my step)
I met her at age 10. I thought this little girl needs a shower, clean under her nails, and lose about 50 pounds (no exaggeration). Health warnings from her school where given to her biological mother and if her dad said or did anything the mother would threaten to take him back to court for more support. I step on thinking I'm an outsider with a ton of love and positive nurturing I can give. That was 13 years ago. This was the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made in my life!
I gave her 10 years of love, support, I built up her self esteem, she learned to eat healthy and ate junk also because I believe in balance. As soon as her dad paid for the best college we did not see her for 4 years. Her mother took over. Once the mother couldn't steal the child support any longer her mother endorsed bad behavior. My husbands daughter was arrested for drugs. She told the judge off in court. She kept using and posted drugged out videos of herself and attached the videos to her dads business online.
Three years of counseling and psychiatric care she is truly the devil. Her mother and her are mentally ill. My husband does not allow his daughter anywhere near me and he doesn't allow her in the house. I could have had my own kids!
I chose to help my husband raise his daughter instead. Deep down I never wanted to have kids with him for fear they would have issues like his daughter. I threw my life away on the most disrespectful, toxic, devil! Many days I just feel like leaving but I really do love my husband. These kids today need discipline! She never had to clean her room or was ever corrected because my husband feared court with his ex. NEVER take on someone else's child! I can honestly say I truly hate someone and it is her. I never thought I could hate anyone so much but I never experienced such utter disrespect in my life. My parents would have never wanted me to waste my time on this toxic entitled devil. RUN from any man or women that has kids! They will never ever be yours!

Dorothy D

5/8/2016 07:25:09 am

Sharon-I actually completely understand. My now ex-BF never put boundaries around his daughter. She never had to earn anything, clean her room etc...was always given the benefit of the doubt while she lied, stole, skipped school etc...He would always say "if I do this, her mother will do that" so we lived at the mercy of his ex-wife-but really at the mercy of the fact he wouldn't stand up to his ex-wife. Now his daughter is an addict with a police record. Also when she was 16-17, he let her hang out with drug addicts and spend weeks living at her "friends house" and upon seeing it when we picked her up one day, I KNEW it was a drug house (people in and out, hanging out outside) and he just rationalized it. I absolutely can't stand his daughter. She is beyond toxic and spoiled and I will not have it in my life. I'm glad your husband won't let her in the house (that is a smart and good move for everyone). I ran for the hills. Take, take, take-everything was about him and his family-sucked me dry over 6 years and one day I woke up and was DONE! And strangely, I thought what my father would say if he were alive and had known-he would have told me years ago to get out! Wish you well.

Robin V link

5/10/2016 04:34:49 am

Dear Carolyn,
I'm not sure if you are asking me, or the other Robin, here is my answer.
It is just a little over 2 weeks and I feel like I have dodged a bullet ! In the past 2 weeks one son is back in rehab, the other is in detox heading back to rehab. My ex tried to hide it, left out details of more theft ect.
On one hand I feel like I am kicking him while he is down. He is so depressed and when I told him to get help he needs to take care of himself he admits he can't afford it their rehab is draining his finances. I told him go to al-a-non or narc-a-non he won't because he does not want to hear the truth.
I am holding strong, not always easy but at least I have peace in my life.

Ronda

6/1/2016 02:23:11 pm

My stepson is 23 and is an addict of anything he can get a hold of. We have tried everything from professional rehab to kicking him out and letting him sleep in his car for a few nights and now taking away his transportation until he passes a drug test (he can't do). I just don't see him changing and it's as if he doesn't want to change he likes his drugs . So I have seen some posts on here that say you have to stop enabling and let them go out on their own but if there is nowhere for them to go what should one do? He just seems to live for getting money for drugs. He sells anything he gets ahold of including our things if there not under lock and key.

Dawn UGH

6/17/2016 07:39:46 am

Omg I feel like I wrote everyone's comments. I married a man that is way beyond what I thought the ideal man was. He is gentle, kind, nurturing, everything I love. We both have kids from previous marriages and we both are widowed. So all three of my adult stepchildren are addicts (28, 31, 33), heroin and alcohol. It was not until my husband I were married for two years before this was brought to my attention. My husband has not problem telling his two boys to live on the street, stay in prison and do not contact him until they become clean, we ll they both are now clean with 6+ months under their belts. On the other hand, his 33 year old princess tells him lies about me and he believes her.
. She hates me, and has called me a cxxx, and has threaten to poison me and punch my lights out! My husband says, " she's just mad and will get over it. I've found needles in the house and she has done drugs in our house several times. What once was a magical world for me has turned into a huge drama world. My husband and I do not agree with anything regarding her and I am even reacting immaturely to her behavior, which I do not know where it comes from. I have never been in this environment before and do not know how to be a human or wife any more. Over whelmed, frustrated and glad to have found this site.

Kim

7/4/2016 09:49:14 pm

I so can relate to everything being stated. My 33 year old daughter and her 2 children are living with me and my husband. She was arrested 8 mths ago for drugs and was sent to rehab. The 30 day stint did very little. We have been there for the children as we love them so much. My daughter is not improving and I have given her a deadline to move out. My worries are with the children and her ex is attempting to get primary custody. This is exhausting and I see myself taking out a lot of my anger on my husband. This is so unfair as he doesn't deserve this. We agree that lies, sleeps all the time and does very little to get herself better.

Jill

7/8/2016 01:44:37 pm

I am a stepmother to an 18 year old that is clearly a drug/alcohol addict who exhibits most, if not all, of the behavior that all of you have outlined. He has consumed my husband to the point that our once loving marriage is now failing. I need advice from those who have gone through this... Does it do any good to continually try to open my husband's eyes to his enabling and his son's manipulation? Have any of you been successful in convincing your partner that the drug addict is abusing him/her? I notice that the more I try to tell my husband, the more he blames me for a myriad of things (even going so far to say that I am trying to get him to abandon his children so that I can have his time, that the boy uses drugs because I am not accepting of him, etc.) I am heartbroken over losing my husband to this. The once beautiful, lively, successful and happy man is now a slave to the whims of a manipulative and deceitful 18 year old (who has caused nothing but sorrow!) Our marriage failing will be one blow to him... but his business and financial stability is also in jeopardy. Any advice is very much appreciated. Love to you, Jill
PS. My husband is very stubborn and will not speak to a counselor. However, I am open to try any method to convince him if people have been successful with that.

Dorothy D

7/8/2016 04:52:24 pm

Hi Jill,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I left my BF of 6+ years a few months ago after many years of trying to convince him, discuss, have him open his eyes to his daughter's drug abuse, manipulation etc...she was arrested at 17 for prostitution, rehab, mental hospitals multiple times, stole his car, stole from everyone, overdosed, got arrested for heroin etc...during the 6+ years, I always went the therapy to cope with this-but I was alone. We fought a lot about his daughter and yes-I know I said things about the situation out of anger (ie I'm no saint)

After I ended it, THEN he decided it was time to go to a therapist and nar-anon. I do not know if he still going-I doubt it-he only did that when I had enough and left. I'm sorry this isn't a pretty picture and probably not what you want to hear-but to be honest, I don't know your husband-only you understand your relationship so perhaps there is a way to get him to do something-maybe even if it's something small and then build on it...I would suggest an action-like a limit on the amount of money he gives her or something tangible-instead of trying to convince him-like an addict, only HE can figure out that his child is an addict. You can jump up and down, but if he doesn't see it-it's a waste of energy.

And just to add, I ended it and a day later she was arrested again. So there was the "kicking him when he's down" guilt, but it was short lived. My BF ignored this problem for years and I could no longer live with an addict and enablers (his ex-wife enables too) anymore. And I was not going to be the one to "check up" to ensure he continued therapy. I knew he would probably last 2 months and then think everything was ok. That was just not the life for me. We had a wonderful relationship overall-destroyed by addiction and enabling and rationalizing.

I hope you and your husband can find a path back to happiness together.

Bronwyn Tanner

7/8/2016 08:56:59 pm

Dorothy - it is incredibly comforting that I am not the only one. I have tried and tried over the past 13 years that I have been married to this father of an addict. I have worked my Al-Anon program trying to detach - trying to mind my own business - but this addict has prevailed - he has affected our marriage in every way shape and form. The father pays and denies - constantly. If we talk about the addict, we fight. If we don't talk about the addict, there is an elephant in the house. No win. I plan to leave.

Bronwyn Tanner

7/8/2016 09:08:35 pm

Oh Jill - I feel for you. I identify so much. I am living in exactly the same situation. My husband has been to counselling with me - four times - each time he sits there like a paragon of virtue - saying absolutely nothing - while I rant. It has not helped at all. He is also exceptionally stubborn and refuses to admit that he is in denial and enabling his son who is now 31 years old - and has been taking drugs since he was 12. The only way for me is to leave. I cannot live in this situation any longer. It is sad and lonely.

K.j link

9/26/2017 01:33:10 am

Jill, I have some advice though I am unsure if it's correct. Stop cooking your husbands meals, doing the laundry and etc, being the good wife will get you know where. Now shut your door and pretend you could care less. Your husband will change his behavior once he loses your support.

Carol

7/15/2016 04:17:19 pm

Since we married in April, have discovered that my husband's adult daughters are both addicts. The 26 year old is addicted to heroin and the 24 year old is addicted to pills. Fortunately, neither one lives with us but their constant crisises are taking a toll on my husband and our relationship.

I have been undergoing chemo and radiation therapy for breast cancer and although my husband tries to be supportive, he is increasingly preoccupied and anxious about his children. Their mother is a closet addict herself and of no help to the daughters.

My own 20 year old daughter is doing fine and cultivating a positive mindset is essential for my health. I love my husband but I can't afford to have his daughters rule my life. Reading your posts make me realize my husband may never experience peace and happiness and that maybe, or marriage is hopeless from the get go.

Bronwyn Tanner

7/15/2016 08:57:04 pm

Preoccupied is the word. My husband has been preoccupied with his addict son for the past 12 years. I am finished; the marriage is over. A marriage is for two people; not three. Big hugs to you with your recovery from breast cancer. Such a journey.

Carol

7/16/2016 06:52:19 am

Thank you Bronwyn. Twelve years is certainly long
enough to wait and I'm not sure could live with it that long. For now, I just have to focus on living period. As a parent, I'm not sure I could be happy myself if my daughter was throwing her life away.

Bronwyn Tanner

7/17/2016 12:12:54 am

Thinking of you Carol. The Al-Anon program has been my survival kit

Sandy

9/6/2016 10:39:55 am

Is anyone here younger than their addicted stepchild? I am 35 and my stepson is 41. He is a gambling addict and an alcoholic. Whole other set of heartaches when they are older than you.

Tania

9/18/2016 02:16:35 am

Hi everyone, your comments give me hope! Thank all of you for your stories...my journey has just started. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married almost 4. I have no children, and don't want them. My husband has 4, the youngest is 18. His ex is a horrible human, as are each and every member of her family. Can't stand the kids. I've made multiple efforts, but am been treated like crap by them, so I just don't have anything to do with them, unless they are in my presence, which is rarely. 3 are dropouts, 2 boys are pot heads, 1 girl a felon, alcoholic, drug addict, and can't keep a job. Youngest girl is a complete and utter liar, and wants to come live with us. After my husband agreed, (without my input of course), we found out that she's been shooting heroin for over a year! He still wants her to come, but I'm at a loss....I have never dealt with addiction, and don't want to start! She's living with her biological and leaves her needles and drugs and wrappings all over the house. I am a very nervous and overprotective mommy to 2 dogs. I don't want them to either eat it, or step on a dirty needle. I'm at a complete loss....I want to support him, but I have no use for any more manipulation, lies or theft. I'm a professional and am only working part time. We are about to file bankruptcy and lose our truck!!!! I'm stressed, he's making himself sick, and she's not even here yet! Any input would be appreciated. I'm on the verge of leaving and going to answer their state, or even country just to get away from it all. This is so frustrating on so many levels!!! Any ideas as to what I should do? Try her living here for a couple of weeks? Run away, ignore, or just tell him to get his own place until this is over?

Leonie

9/18/2016 02:21:49 am

You need to get out and look after you and your fur babies :( If she's behaving with such disregard for others at her mother's home then she won't be any different at yours. You deserve better. Parents can support their children without tolerating that sort of behaviour by taking it into their homes :( Please look after yourself.

Dorothy D

9/21/2016 08:49:41 pm

Totally agree with Leonie! There are ways to support children without tolerating certain behaviors-and please look after your dogs and yourself. I have posted before and am still out of my relationship-left officially in May after 6+ years. I feel GREAT! I am relaxed, enjoying life, not stressed and upset and worried all the time-my dog has been right by my side-it was hard for a bit - unwinding a 6+ year relationship and house - but NOT even close to as hard as being in that dysfunction - I never turned back and am so glad I left and no longer have to live day to day connected to an addict and enabler.

Tania

9/21/2016 10:14:17 pm

Dorothy, you are my inspiration! I'm glad everything has worked out! I'm plotting my escape route a little more each day! I just can't handle it - I despise drugs and everything they are about. I just can't believe I'm discussing this....I just can't anymore!

Tania

9/21/2016 10:12:08 pm

Thank you Leonie, I appreciate your honesty! I started therapy this week and it has helped so much! Of course I'm the only one going to therapy, but believe me I'm putting my plan together. I just can't believe this is happening....crazy!

Tracey

9/21/2016 08:24:38 pm

OMG! We are not alone. It was with a huge relief that I found this site and even bigger religious that I'm not the only one to feel this way. My husband's eldest daughter,36, has been an addict since 15 and hasn't worked since she was 19. Both his sons, 33 & 29 are addicts. Oldest 2 in and out of jail. I even raised eldest grandchild for over 4 mths during his mother's first jail stint.
I've been involved in this craziness for some 16 yrs and married for 11. He's left twice because he doesn't like it when I stand up for myself. Just this week we've been at it again. There has been so much happen over the years it's points to name them but most of you have lived them anyway.
I have 3 of my own children who are all now grown and doing well in life. And younger than all of his.
I'm tired! I'm exhausted! I'm so over it! I'm at an age now where it's time for my husband and I to live our lives but I know it will never happen. And I'm wondering just how much longer I can live like this!
Thanks for your stories, your honesty (very rare in our lives) and your support of one another.

Ray

9/22/2016 07:12:46 pm

My son is not quite 21 and an addict. I believe his current drug of choice is cocaine. I am commenting on the step parent chain, because technically I am his step father and it is relevant to my post. I came into his life when he was 5 and from that point on I raised him as though he was my biological child.

He currently lives a fair distance away from us, but his addiction still manages to have a significant and regular impact on our lives.

My present emotion is anger. A few weeks ago, my father passed away and that day I was receiving texts from my son about him needing money because he was going to be beat up by a dealer to whom he owed money. This week, he was texting his mother with the same situation. We've both said no, and at least we agree on that.

What we don't agree on is his continued sharing of the details of his drug issues. My wife has always been totally open with him and welcomes him sharing anything with her that he's comfortable to share. I was raised differently and never did share things with my parents that I felt they wouldn't approve of. My feeling is that I don't want to receive daily updates via text message while I'm at work or wherever about whatever mess he's currently got himself in. She feels that she gets value from the information and at least she knows he's alive if he's sharing that. Problem is, it's upsetting to her and even if he only sends the texts to her, it has a big impact on our lives.

My issue is that it's causing a rift between us, and all these years in she's accusing me of now acting like a step parent. I don't feel that my boundary setting is as a result of that, but who knows.

Bottom line, I'm frustrated and it helped to vent here and normalize some of this stuff by reading your posts.

Thanks.

Tracey

9/25/2016 06:37:23 pm

Hey Ray, don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. I believe the biological parent says the things they say because they are hurt and list, and have no idea where to turn, so they take it out on the stepparent. It's easier to blame us than their child. It's hard...really hard to accept but if we love our partner enough, we some how get through each day.....even whence don't know how.
Stay in contact. I'm hoping mutual support helps. Just keep remembering why you love her....not their child.
Best of luck.

Tina

9/28/2016 01:56:39 pm

Wow... reading all of your posts is really opening my eyes and causing me to re-think my engagement. I have been in a relationship for about 8 years (off and on), we have been engaged for the last year and supposed to be closing on a new home in a month to merge our lives.... I have two sons (17,15) from my first marriage and he has two kids (22 daughter, 25 son). His 22 year old daughter is the addict. She was a complete mess (multiple rehab stints, stealing, wreaking cars, etc) until she was 20 or so ... she finally seemed to have her life on track.... clean for almost 1.5 years, attending school, working part time, living on her own (of course daddy was funding every last penny of her life and lifestyle) ... but at least she seemed to be a semi-functioning adult with some short term goals in life. Even got a job working at the women's recovery home she had lived in after getting clean when she turned 21. Ended up deciding life was to hard.... working, going to school and remembering to pay her bills out of the checking account her daddy funded monthly was just too much. Getting involved with another heroin addict in recoveru 10 years her senior with two children and a crazy ex-wife probably didn't help. She relapsed in Spring... I knew it and i told him... "how can she need money for food? you just took her grocery shopping and dropped $200 4 days ago and filled up her gas tank"... he wouldn't listen.... she quit her job, stopped paying her bills, and started shooting all his money into her veins. since April of this year, she has been to detox 3 times, 2 rehabs, nearly overdosed once, and been kicked out of two sober living houses.... her mother won't take her in and so her father has... she has twice disappeared for a couple days when he accused her of being high. calls him crying and he comes right on in ... we are supposed to be moving in together in a month but he won't talk about how we are going to handle any of this. I told him she can't be around my kids, I can't have drugs in my house, I don't want to have to lock up my jewelry.... I keep asking what is the plan... she is currently staying at his house and doing nothing... he owns his own business so last week he started making her go into the office with him. he doesn't hold her accountable for anything, bails her out of everything, pays for everything.... he can afford to so he does. he gets so angry when i talk to him about enabling and i have only managed to get him to 3 nar-anon meetings. she has informed us that she is done with nar-anon, rehab, counseling,etc. i try to talk to him about rules and boundaries if he expects her to live in our home.... he just keeps sayin "i dont know" "i dont have answers" "im just trying to keep her alive" etc etc etc. my issue is i will NOT walk on egg shells around her and she will not get preferential treatment from me because she is a heroin addict. i can't even stand to be in the same room as her.... and when we all 3 are in the same room, it makes me sick to watch the way he coddles her and treats her like she is a 5 year old or a a delicate piece of glass that will shatter if he is honest or says NO to her about anything... my gut is telling me not to move in together... at least not until both of my boys are out of high school and away at college, but I feel like a bad person to "bail" on him... he bought this house for me because i wanted us to have a new home together..... but what good is a new beautiful house, if the inside is full of chaos resentment and anger. My other issue is that the last time she showed up b/c she had no where to go after leaving detox after two days.... his answer was to go to the bar and have a few cocktails so he could "deal with her". i called him out and said are you kidding me? you are dealing with your daughter's addiction and most recent relapst by numbing yourself with alcohol? I can't be the only one who sees how wrong this is. i understand he is in a shitty position but we can't work on our relationship at all (and we have some of our own issues) and i truly do not want to live with her. i don't like her, i don't trust her, i don't believe anything she says, i get naseous just being in the same room as her. How do I tell him I can't move forward without making him feel like I'm forcing him to choose between her and me? I suppose I can say I have to choose my boys and be a good mom to them... and knowingly moving them into a home with an addict is not being a good mom. I just don't want him to feel abandoned but this can't be my life. And I wissh I would haver ealized it before he had this new house under contract. ... thank you for letting me vent here... i'm just at a loss... I didn't mention earlier that my mother was an active heroin addict until I was 15 years old (and she still is dependent on methadone and various other pain pills just not shooting up heroin anymore) i know the damage that can be caused I watched my grandparents g

Dorothy D

9/28/2016 06:45:53 pm

Hi Tina,

This sounds so much like my life I thought it was my ex-bf's new girlfriend. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6-7 years last Spring. His daughter was EXACTLY like your fiance's daughter and your fiance sounds exactly like my ex-bf and the way you're feeling is exactly how I was feeling. I do not have kids, but I left my BF-enough was enough. We owned a home together. I just needed to get out. He bought me out of my part of the mortgage-and 6 months later I feel great! Liberated! I too felt badly about "abandoning" him - in the beginning - but if he was going to enable an addict for the rest of his life - I was having no part of it. I can't tell you what to do, but completely understand your position and why and how you are feeling. The final question I asked myself wasn't "can I live with him and his daughter?" The real question wasn't about him or her, but about an ADDICT and an ENABLER. I have worked too hard to allow any addict or enabler to drag me down their path. That is the path of an addict and an enabler - not my path and I refused to allow that to destroy/reverse all my hard work. And that was that. I do not feel guilty or badly about what I did. I feel empowered and I have my life back. No addicts. I will not judge your decision as a person or as a mother-only you and your fiance understand your relationship and what will work for you both. I am simply letting you know that I have been there-and I got out. And now-instead of anxiety, anger, nervousness, tension and walking on eggshells, my life is filled with calm-back to enjoying everything I have worked hard for instead of fearing it will all be ripped away. Thanks for posting. I wish you and your beautiful children the best.

Bronwyn

9/28/2016 10:13:16 pm

Dorothy - you are such a star - taking your life back. Well done. I can only imagine what it must be like not walking on eggshells. Take good care of you. Hugs. Bronwyn

Tina

9/29/2016 07:13:32 am

Dorothy,

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate your thoughts, story, and kind words. I need to talk to him and lay all my feelings on the line and do it fast... but I'm so scared... I know it has to be done though. I am so happy that you are in a good place. We had broken up for 10 months Sept '14 - to July '15 with virtually no contact, and by the time I spoke to him again in July 2015 and we started the path to getting back together, I felt great, I was at peace, so grateful for my life, felt healthy, energetic and "light" (for lack of a better word)... and I realized recently that I don't feel that way at all anymore which is all the indication I should need for what is right for me. I hate drugs and addiction so incredibly much and I want to be strong and loving and supportive but at what cost to my own mental/emotional/spiritual health.... My grandfather told me to get out as fast as I could and to not look back... and that is him speaking as the step-father to my mom when he married my grandmother when my mom was 13. Tough situation.. I know I am only voicing what everyone here thinks... how heartbreaking this is for everyone touched by it. Thank you so much for your response. The enabling and ensuing fights are taking their toll on me. I am so happy for you that you are happy now in your life! xo

Bronwyn

9/28/2016 10:14:53 pm

Tina - if you can - get to an Al-Anon meeting near you. I honestly believe that it will help you. You don't have to live with an addict. We got a restraining order on ours - but I still "live with him" - it is like the elephant in the house! Hugs to you. Bronwyn.

Tina

9/29/2016 07:19:03 am

Thank you Bronwyn! I have been to a few and managed to talk him into attending a couple with me. I am also in individual counseling. It just makes me so angry that I am the one seeking help and support and it's not even my damn daughter. GRrrrrrr.... but I will take your advice and continue attending when I am able if for no other reason than to be reminded to have compassion for what he is going through and not expressing to me. I have a hard time picturing him EVER being able to cut her off in any way whatsoever. If he would even say she is not allowed to live with us at all, I would feel a little better, but even if he did kick her out, it would take less than 24 hours for him to let her back... It is a huge elephant in our relationship generally... i have to tip toe around expressing my opinions thoughts etc... because I am constantly told i don't know what it is like for him. his victim attitude about the whole thing is nervewracking too.... "why is this happening to me?" "why is she doing this to me?" etc. Ugh. I love you guys for your vulnerability, honesty, nonjudgment, and candidness here on this blog. thanks so much ... :-)

TashA

10/25/2017 08:42:15 pm

This is the first time I have been able to express my thoughts or concerns about my fiances drug addicted daughter. We have been engaged for a year but together for 8 years. I have know his daughter has been on drugs (not sure what until recently) for years. I do believe he has known but has been in denial. His ex wife is a very angry and cruel person. She completely refuses to acknowledge me and has manipulated my fiancé since they have known each other ( I believe she purposefully got pregnant when she was 17 to control him, on one night stand). He doesn't stand up to her, and she has ruined all of his previous relationships. We have become very close and super supportive of each other, and he has slowly been able to set small boundaries with her-baby steps right? Recently his daughter was caught with drugs by her mother. She is 27, never once lived on her own and both her parents do everything for her. She comes every spring to work with us on a fishing boat where she isn't required to do much, yet I am expected to do the majority of all the crew work. We have a very strained relationship, not because she is a mean or rude girl she is actually mellow and nice, I think mostly because of our odd situation with her mom, closeness in age and I've never been in a relationship with someone who has a child. It's new to me and I admit I am at a bit of a loss at what my relationship is with her and I don't really know her as my fiancé has kept that part of his life apart from me.
We just bought a house and are supposed to get married next year, this is supposed to be an exciting time, but like I said her parents finally both can't be in denial anymore about her drug problem. She came to work with us this spring and looked terrible. I knew she was doing meth and told her father but he decided to believe her when she said she looked like that because of her period...really?!
His ex wife finally caught her in the act and demanded that he helped her get his daughter into rehab. I definitely supported this and encouraged him to go as soon as possible, which he did. I also encouraged him to go to meetings so he could get help too and understand what his daughter is going through and what other parents are going through too. He stayed with his ex wife and daughter for two weeks being responsible for making sure his daughter was going to rehab clinic sessions daily. She had told her parents she was going for a month and her mother was making her lunches and giving her money like a school kid and sending her off every morning. Turns out she wasn't going at all. So dad showed up and took her to the clinic every day for two weeks and set up family counseling meetings which has helped a lot. It seems hopeful. I have been left out of these meetings and sessions and seem to only be needed when my fiancé decides he needs my support, any time I try to discuss things with him I get treated like it's none of my business or not my place. I tend to be strong willed so I say what is on my mind and I vocalize how I feel and my fiancé says he will try to be better about including me but he never does. He says he is doing his best to make everyone happy, then I feel bad and let it go. I know he is trying and I can't imagine hard this is on a parent because I'm not a parent, but I have lived with addiction in my own family and have felt it's destructive nature. It's hardened me and I can't help but get upset with him when he does anything for his daughter. She needs a new phone and he said he would take care of it because she needs one. We don't agree on these things but this is something that I am just supposed to deal with and find a way to be ok with it. Reading these posts I feel heartbroken about what may be our future. Things have been going relatively good with his daughter she has been going to the clinic sessions for a month three weeks on her own but we are all so unsure of her future. She has lied about doing drugs for a long time and yet both her parents believe anything she tells them. Am I in for heartbreak? Because I've been left out should I get out before I am in too deep? Everyone is so hopeful but my experience with my family member has been anything but that a constant relapse of in and out of my life. I know every person is different, is it foolish to think she is going to beat this on the first go and things will be fine?

Bronwyn

9/29/2016 10:22:42 am

Tina your continued attendance at Al-Anon will reinforce the three C's - you cannot control it, you did not cause it and you cannot cure it (the disease of addiction). Al-Anon will teach you about self care and setting boundaries (without guilt). You can chat privately anytime you like: bronwyn@scottburgh.co.za I also tiptoe around expressing my opinions and ideas. The elephant lives in our house - even though it (he) lives about 100kms away. That is not far enough. I married his father and his father was incapable of putting me and the marriage first. The addict has always been allowed to dominate. Through the Al-Anon program I now make me happy and ensure that I am okay. Selfish? Hmmm! Self first! Love and hugs.

Tina

10/27/2016 07:42:54 am

so... update... I decided to take everyone's advice and really open up to my fiancee with all of my concerns and and try to talk to him about working through them and being on the same page.

Let's just say it did NOT go over well. "why do you have to cause problems, tina" "why can't you just be nice, tina" "I bought you a house, tina, why can't you just be happy" "You are don't understand because she isn't your daughter and you are so judgmental" "we have different definitions of enabling tina"

So after weeks of begging him to talk to me, and really HEAR me from a non-defensive place, and begging him to go to therapy and nar-anon meetings with me to no avail... I threw in the towel.

My boys are sad that we aren't moving into the new huge awesome house with the "party basement" like we were supposed to next week, and I am very sad and disappointed (and scared to death being alone for the first time in almost 9 years) but at the same time, I feel oddly very peaceful and calm about my decision. I thought I would feel worse about "abandoning" him and leaving him with the new house to deal with (on top of the house he already owns)... but again once I changed my perception (it is just a house, he can close on it and put it right back on the market -- he isn't going to go bankrupt -- it's better than living in an unhappy home), I am not feeling bad about the situation anymore. It sucks but it's not the end of the world. We officially broke off our engagement last Wed, Oct 19. He texted me on Mon, Oct. 24, letting me know that his daughter OD'd that day (still alive). It's going to be a very long road for them.

Much love and hope to everyone dealing with these situations,

Tina xo

Allie

10/13/2016 04:49:03 pm

I am reading these posts and I can completely relate.
The past three years have gone from 0 to 60. What was once good is now extremely bad.
My fiance's oldest son is an addict. He has managed to completely tear our blended family apart.
My fiancé and his ex constantly enable him and clean up all of his messes. Despite every theft, attack, tantrum, how many times he has hurt the dog... you name it they always have an excuse. He is basically their prince and no one can even remotely criticize him or say a word about him even if he has wronged them terribly.
Their younger son suffers because of it and my relationship...well let's put it this way- my fiancé has indefinitely postponed our wedding plans because as he says "his son needs him".
I am not proud of this but I can honestly say I hate his son. He has never liked me no matter my kindness prior. I honestly have no sympathy for him and feel like I am the only voice of reason in the room when it comes to his wrongful doings. They want it all to be kept a secret to save face and even refuse to let terms like "junkie" come up because they don't want his feelings hurt.
He has no job. Lives there completely for free with his girlfriend along for the ride. Plus friends and dealers in and out hanging around all of the time- all leaving damage to the home and so on. They run the home like it was their own. In case you were wondering he is 20 years old.
I really cannot take it anymore. I love my fiancé, but he just keeps pushing me further and further away. He won't even listen when I tell him that his enabling is only going to put his son into an early grave. He keeps saying he has to fix him and refuses to understand that it is his son's choice and if he doesn't want to stop using there is nothing he can do.
I am so angry.
I think I need to end this. Amazing how we go from being extremely close and a fairytale like Christmas time engagement to I can barely get 5 seconds of his time week to week.
I am heartbroken but also insanely resentful.
I feel lost and in all honesty do not know hat to do anymore :(

Bronwyn

10/13/2016 09:40:53 pm

OH Allie. My heart breaks for you. We have lived in the same space! I married my current husband in 2003 and should never ever have done so. During our courtship he made me feel like a queen. I was number one. When we married and moved into his house my step son / drug addict from hell became number one and my husband's entire committment - it has stayed that way all these years. I begged and pleaded and bargained and negotiated, sobbed, screamed, shouted and swore - nothing changed. I am an Al-Anon member. I know about letting go and stepping back and detaching - I did that in 2013 when my husband said that he had made a committment to his son. I left the marriage emotionally. It has been a dreadful time because I am financially dependent on him. I begged him not to support the addict. Husband was also in Al-Anon. Members of all the 12 step programs around his told him what he was doing was wrong for everyone. He is stubborn and egotistical (why the hell would I be with someone like that??) and he was going to do exactly what he wanted to do - no matter what it did to anyone else. Well - this year - I decided to go the other way. The drug addict was diagnosed as schizophrenic and is living in a halfway house about 2 hours away from us. I said to the husband - pay for him - support him. You have the money. Do it. He thinks he has my support in enabling the addict. I don't approve one bit - but it has made husband easier to live with. He pays for the addict. I have no clue what happens in the addict's life - and I don't care. The relationship between husband and I is not great. Not good actually. But manageable. We lead/live separate lives; we sleep in separate rooms and I try to be as courteous as possible without involving him in my life at all. That is my story. I am not going to tell you what to do. But - if I had known then what I know now - I would never have married him. No matter how much hurt - I would have moved off and away. Trust me when I say that nothing is going to change. You are gong to be hurt (like hell) and they will continue their relationship (even though it is a toxic one). Love and hugs to you from very very far away

Bronwyn

10/13/2016 09:41:42 pm

Allie - if you ever want to chat privately - my email is bronwyn@scottburgh.co.za I so understand.

Tiffany

10/26/2016 10:51:58 pm

Thank you for letting me know that it will never change so that I don't spend years and years of my life is a false hope that one day the enabling will stop and this dysfunctional relationship they have will continue on. It will allow me to decide now if I want to be a part of this the rest of my life. Thank so much for your honesty!!

Tiffany

10/26/2016 10:49:24 pm

Thank you so much for writing this. It is my exact experience. I really have thought I was going crazy and that I'm a horrible person to have such feelings. Reading this has helped me see that I am not alone in this, nor are my feelings of resentment for my step son and my husband and just wanting out and rid of all of this.I can't thank you enough for sharing this!!!

Tina

10/27/2016 07:27:59 am

Tiffany,

It is a tough place to be and your are most definitely not crazy and NOT a horrible person for your feelings. I know how much it sucks to have those feelings and then on top of it, feel guilty for having the feelings! :-)
And you are definitely not alone.

Allie

10/28/2016 09:24:02 am

Thank you so much everyone!
It is a comfort knowing even more now that I am not alone.
I think my fiancé is starting to sense that I am getting ready to pack up and go. Suddenly he has been "trying" more to be available and so on.
I hate to say this but I don't trust it to last.
Just this past weekend we were at a wedding and his son was blowing up my phone- "I need to talk to my father now!" He didn't need anything important. Tbh I think he just did it to ruin our time and make sure his father and I didn't have the chance to rekindle our spark for our wedding plans. I also have a son of my own to think about. So as much as I want to believe the effort and have faith....still think I am just staring into a dead end that is going to keep getting worse before it could possibly get any better.

Dorothy D

10/28/2016 09:42:55 am

Hi Allie,

My BFF did the same thing. When I was leaving all of a sudden he was "writing off his daughter" and began to go to Nar-Anon meetings. I didn't trust it would last especially after almost 7 years of not doing anything to address his daughter's problems (and to "write off" one's child is not plausible and came across as a Hail Mary to salvage the relationship after 6 years of strife about her). So I left as my gut told me the minute I stayed he would decide he has enough Nar-Anon and therapy and find a reason to continue to enable. Although I do not know what he is doing now, I feel great and have no more stress of an addict in my life. Of course you should decide what's best for you and your son, but I can say there is a HUGE light at the end of the tunnel once you extract yourself from the world of addiction and all the dysfunction around it. I havent felt this great in years! Wishing you and your son the best!

11/17/2016 12:00:43 am

I identify with all of this, sadly. I was alone for a long time raising my sons, in recovery 25 years I met a guy a year ago. The first nice guy I ever dated. He has three addict children in their twenties. I never went to the house because it was filthy and the one daughter living there is a daily user. It was depressing so we always stayed at my house. But afew months ago I began slipping in my al anon. I went over, cleaned the house, helped his daughter see a doctor, purged the house, took her shopping; Then daughter two and the son want to come back home. he goes to get daughter two even though she is using. I am upset as I feel it hard enough with the one daugther, but now another, and the brother trying to come home too. The one at home starts raging and attacking her father and me and our relationship...and he does not get how hurtful this is to me. He cannot get my back. His son is calling me for help all day today while my boyfriend is on a joyride with his other daugher, who keeps sending me videos of how much fun they are having. I am not even married to this guy and i am the scold and the nag, doing all the crap work while he is off in denial. It's so bad for me. I feel drained from this but am afraid to break it off because it's the first good connection i have ever had with a guy....:-( i don;t want to break it off right before the holidays and make myself miserable.... any feedback would be appreciated.

Allie

1/25/2017 05:46:14 pm

M-

I know how you feel, but as I am learning first hand more and more with every passing day- Not only will they give in to all of their children's bs, but those "children" will do everything in their power to use that and further deteriorate your relationship.
Unfortunately you can only debate it within yourself for so long before you realize you have to end it for your sake.
I kept hanging in there thinking it would change and now I am further sunk in a very loveless relationship with a stepson I can honestly say I hate with every fiber of my being.

M link

1/26/2017 10:02:02 am

Hi Allie,

Thanks for responding!

We have made some progress with both of us going to al-anon. My guy has kicked all three kids out and told them they cannot come home until they 1) have full time job 2) are in aa with a sponsor and working the steps and 3) get regular drug tests which they pay for.

These boundaries have served as a deterrent so far but your story gives me pause because I know this is a long haul situation.

He knows that if the kids move back in without these conditions I am breaking up. not to punish, but because I simply cannot handle the disease in active form like this so I really don't blame you for ending it. It sounds like you are so courageous to do so. This disease destroys families. I dread that day his kids move back in without the conditions if it comes. He also is refusing to give them little odd jobs to enable their not going out and getting a job.

I really struggle with my own abandonment issues and am trying to do the al anon program of taking care of myself a day at a time. I also struggle with meddling with his affairs. They are his kids. But the way I see it, even if we aren't living together we are emotionally and mentally under one roof so whatever each of us brings into the house affects the other.

This is a real challenge for me to let go. But every time I do my guy comes closer and seems more eager to do the work so this gives me hope.

Please write me again and tell me your thoughts.

Thanks,

M.

Excop Stepdad

1/1/2017 06:08:40 pm

I love my wife of 15 years. I have PTSD from combat and civilian police work. I used to work undercover and wrote solid drug cases putting 20 plus in prison. I met my wife with two from a waste of skin who chose drugs over his family. 15 years later the oldest "27" has a general sessions case this week of Possession with intent to distribute within the proximity of a school, playground or church. Beautiful little law here that adds 7 years to the drug charge. My wife is going thru hell as this step-son has two kids from two different women that she has limited visitation because of her selfish drug addict son. Me and the sperm donor father who fears me don't speak. Im a cop. He's a dope head POS. I fight leaving her because how she defends her son that sold crystal meth to God knows who. His case is this week. I want to tell the judge he had me as a step dad since he was age 11. The real dad is a doper. Put his ass in jail and put my step son in rehab..The wifey and I have a 15 yr whom is also not mine that recently was caught smoking pot. These two step kids didn't learn this shit from me, the excop. What do do?

Allie

1/19/2017 12:35:37 pm

Excop believe me I feel your pain.
My fiance's son has continuously destroyed this entire family.
I am so tired of hearing him say his son is sick. I am sorry I don't buy that. I believe addicts make a choice and know how to work every pity angle with their loved ones to get what they want- and what they want is their fix and all around them to be miserable and broken.
My POS step son has now managed to convince my fiancé to pay for his "habit" at the lovely price tag of $900 a week.
In terms of what to do I wish I had an answer for you sweetie.

Allie

1/19/2017 12:29:01 pm

Hi everyone.
I had to re-subscribe because I accidentally unsubscribed.
I want to thank everyone for all of the kind words, support, and advice.
Unfortunately, the situation has only gotten worse.

Allie

1/19/2017 12:40:39 pm

How is everyone else on here doing lately?

Isabel

1/21/2017 01:58:57 pm

Tracey

2/26/2017 06:50:02 pm

Hi Allie
I'm hearing you with the disease bs. I can't swallow that excuse anymore. I have 3 addict stepkids, oldest now 37. I believe that labelling addiction as a disease makes the addict a victim instead of responsible for their choices. 'Poor darlings'!
After 16 years, I'm very tired if it all. Maybe I should become an addict so my husband devotes his time to my 'disease'.
Frustrating and hard.
Wishing everybody a great day.

M link

3/18/2017 11:43:35 am

hi Gabby,

I feel your pain too.This sounds just awful. I think sometimes we are so used to high drama that we don't realize what a dangerously toxic level of stress we are living with. Not to be dramatic, but this stress can kill. I cannot tell you what to do, only what has worked for me. I made a decision to focus completely on myself and take care of my mental and physical health and to distance myself from the addicts. I don't know how you can bear the pain. I simply got to the breaking point and said enough. I was trying to control the codependent who was trying to control his kids. What a mess. Space and a place to find peace is so important.

I hope you can take care of yourself.
Al anon has been helping me focus on taking care of myself and get distance from the addicts. It is really working.

Sending my very best to all of you,

M.

Carole

4/23/2017 10:05:08 am

Wow this thread is super long, and a testimony to how many people out there are affected by this epidemic. My husband of one year doesn't let his 27 year old junky daughter's problems come into our home, but it kills me to see him so sad and worried about it all the time. We've been together 7 years now and though she wasn't using heroin back then, she had other problems, that neither he nor I were fully aware of because she was already living away from hom. I agree with some of the comments about parental responsibility. My husband's ex was riddled with problems and pretty selfish. It always amazed me that she and my husband talked so little about their daughters' problems (the other one is living in California and totallly dependant on antidepressants).

My own daughter who is 21 is off in the world and doing well. I was in chemo for breast cancer last year and though the fear of recurrence is there, I'm feeling well. It makes me sad and sometimes angry that my husband will be worrying about her forever and that he and I can't enjoy the years we have left together. When I do see her (when she gets on methadone to stay out of jail), I have to bite my tongue listening to her go on about all the dangerous situations she gets into because of her addiction, as if she mistakes us for her buddies who might be impressed by her mindless bravado. She doesn't even see that it's ripping her father's heart out.

Dawn

5/23/2017 05:30:09 am

My step daughter has been around since she was 7, she is now almost 22. I always treated her like I treated my own children(her half-brother and sister), of course, with several bumps in the road.
Over the years she would call and get money, clothes, etc. and we would help her as much as possible. But the older she got, the more it seemed, that she would only call if she needed something.
At the age of 18 she got pregnant by a drug dealing thug and I did tell her my opinion. Right after giving birth she became a drug addict...she probably already was since her biological mom was and still is addicted to pills.
I mean we would go into her apartment and I know that the little baby was high because the smoke would roll out of the doors, the babies dad has been arrested several times for drugs and so has my step-daughter.
We tried to move my step-daughter in with us just to get her and her child away from the mess and she stole from me and brought drugs in my house several times.
I called her out on her behavior and all the sudden, I was the enemy yet I never had been. We always had a really good relationship.
She lived with us for about 3 weeks and went straight back to the drug dealing thug.
She has since been in jail for meth and residential burglary, she even stole checks from her meth buddy and actually went to the stores in her town and forged them. God only knows what kind of drugs she is on.
I have contacted DCFS and they did nothing. My husband and I have been to two lawyers but he did this just to appease me because he states that I am trying to be "gung ho" about this.
I have cried, screamed, stomped and all the above to get her dad, her mom and her paternal grandmother to do something before her or the 2 year old ends up hurt or dead and they just go "oh well"
I have now pulled myself from the situation...my husband does not speak to me about her or what crazy thing she may now be doing. I don't even get to see the grandbaby any more but the stress that she was causing is not going to alter my life with my children and husband.
I am not perfect nor do I portray myself as so but I do not want this type of person in our lives.

Christine

5/30/2017 05:44:19 pm

I am the parent of a 35 year old addict. She is my oldest daughter. I am raising her 3 girls with my husband, who is her step parent, but never raised her. The girls are 18, 9 and 7. We have been raising them for the past 13 years. My husband has been awsome to the girls and has raised them like they were his own. We have been dealing with her addiction for all these years. It is like all the stories you have read on this blog. Same story, different names and faces. I have addmitted that my daughter is an addict for many years and decided years ago that I would not enable her. She has been in 13 rehabs. I told her the last time that she got out of jail that if she decided to start using again that I would not drag myself, my husband and the girls through her addiction. She would lose contact with them. She did start using again and she is addicted to heroin. She has not seen the girls in almost 2 years. I'm not keeping them from her to try to get her off of the drugs. I'm just trying to let the girls live a normal life not worrying about where there mother is and if she is ok. My job now is to protect them. If she decides to get help then we will revisit visitation with them but for now she refuses to go get help. The only contact I really have with her is through text sometimes. I send her messages and tell her I love her in hopes that she will respond. i will talk to my mom who continues to enable her even though I ask her not to but at least I know that she is still alive. I hate it when the phone rings in the middle of the night because I think it's going to be the police telling me she has overdosed. I hate this existince sometimes. My husband has said that he doesn't want to live like this anymore and has asked me to basically stop talking with anyone about her or to stop checking up on her. He said he wants me to stop for 30 days. This is my daughter. I do nothing for her. I don't give her money or a place to live or food or rides anywhere. Well...she recently called me and said she was detoxing from heroin and was very sick and I picked her up from behind a dumpster and drove her to the emergency room where they gave her some medication for the nausea and pain and she agreed to let me help her check into a detox facility. She checked herself out after a day. I can't just stop thinking about my daughter and I hate that he would ask me to do that. I understand that I can't enable her but why can't I just check on her? I am still her mother. I can't stop all the turmoil that comes with having a child that is an addict. I will not run to her rescue unless she is wanting my help to get off of the drugs but I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to know that she is still alive. Why would he want to take from me the only thing that helps me sleep at night? I know it has not been easy for him because he doesn't have the bond with her that I do but I would never ask him to stop checking on one of his children if they were sick. NEVER!! I know this will only end if she gets clean or if she is dead. :'( I have no guarantees as to how this will end so I have not answers for my husband. I will understand if he needs to leave but my heart will be broken.

Kath

6/10/2017 12:46:54 am

My stepdaughter 14 is on weed. I got 2 children of my own who lives with us too but are good kids. Is this a ground for divorce now? My husband's priority is his daughter and we are not.

michel martin

6/23/2017 09:17:19 am

I just want to say my heart and prayers go out to each one of you. I am not real religious: however these situations diffidently need to be turned over to god .. i myself have a 32 year old heroin addict distorting my life. step daughter.
the best place for them is in jail, sober. amen

Kdavis

6/30/2017 05:47:19 pm

I feel like there is little hope. I waited to marry my husband until is daughter was 21. For 16 years, I watched him fight his x to establish co-parenting, even proper medical care. I took on a role of supporting him. I tried with the step daughter but she was not having any boundaries or consequences. She expected to get her way and grew to be a master manipulator. So when she got married to a Russian immigrant trying to gain citizenship against everyone's wishes, I felt we could finally begin planning a life together. A week before our marriage she faked a pregnancy which put a nice blanket over our celebration. Within two months of our marriage the arrests began for forging prescriptions. She's been kicked out of several rehab bc she's not ready, continues to lie. Now the husband is gone but they're still married and she expects us to pay. We've already put in 10k in the last 8 months. She continues to use and out marrisge is crumbling. I've found counselors, gone to group meetings and the prognosis for us is not good. Now the x and her send me horrible texts saying I'm at fault and I'm watching the man I love being eaten alive. As soon as I feel he's reached a good distance she resurfaces with more lies. It's exhausting and it's destroying him, me, and us. He lives my children and grandchildren and we are by no means perfect but it's a totally different life. How do I contact bye to support him and protect us?

Barbara

8/27/2017 05:03:14 pm

I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for 4 years. We were engaged. He allowed his 3 adult children, grandchildren & 3 dogs, back home. 2 were drinkers.1 was a heroine addict. He said they all had one year to get on their feet. I put off talking about our wedding.It ended up being a nightmare. 1 year turned into 4. Nobody was working, helping with bills, chores or food. People in & out of the house for 4 years. Drugs, drinking, stealing, lying..You name it. His daughter was even prostituting herself in the basement, where she lived in the house, to pay for drugs. Strangers were living in the house. Different people. One was a convict. Wanted convict!! My fiancee said he couldnt do anything about it, as they were adults. I stopped going over to the house, as I felt unsafe. My fiancee put a lock on his own door. How crazy is that!! People would be walking around naked, strung out....and he just sat there overwhelmed. Whenever I mentioned, lovingly..he would cut me off & block my phone for days. For 2.5 years I thought about ending our relationship. He was lying to me. Covering up what was going on. I was always the bad one, for wanting a healthy family & marriage that I was going into. It was so upsetting. I didn't understand how my fiancee could be so stupid!! Sadly the grandchildren were effected. I lost all respect for him. He ended our relationship, for not accepting his children. He said, I exhausted him, I made him unhappy and I was toxic. Not his life, his kids or his home. He is truly an enabler. Nobody respected him, and he kept giving and giving. He had no concern about himself, me or our relationship. I think God was protecting me, by my fiancee ending our relationship, as I would of stayed in it, loving someone I didn't respect..and getting more depressed. Keep your eyes open ladies. A man will defend his kids, especially if he is a widow!!! No matter what they do, his kids will come first.

K.j link

9/26/2017 01:18:01 am

I had 2 comment on this. It really is sic what addicted do to there families. Make everything and everyone totally dysfunctional. As a parent, I know they only come from a place in there heart to try and save the kids from destruction, only to end up destroying the entire family in the process. There is so little we as parents can do sadly when there adults. I think we don't mean to enable but just don't understand the world they live in till we're knee deep in shit.

Kasandra

9/23/2017 02:27:41 pm

I'm so glad I found this. It confirms for me that I am not crazy and I have the same feelings as many other's. It is far to hard at times. I can relate to most all you as a step-parent.

Marianne Brown

10/3/2017 02:48:43 pm

Just buried my 26 yr old step daughter. We thought she was doing fine. She was working her grandmother bought her a car and she had a 9 mos little girl. Her brother is 28 and has lived with his dad and i off and on for 71/2 yrs. He works as asst mgr at Sonic and less than 2 weeks after burying his sister he brings marijuana in the home. He is on probation already. I just know one of these days the house is going to be raided and I will go to jail because of his stupidity.My husband never makes him accountable for his actions. He gets mad when it happens,than the next day its like move forward oh well no big deal. 28 never had a car,drivers license because all he cares about is drugs or alcohol. What a loser!!!!

Beth

11/1/2017 08:44:24 pm

I'm so very sorry about your terrible loss and what you are going through. My 28 year old lives with us on and off and I know my husband, his stepfather, gets so very frustrated with me and him when he is here. Thank you for helping me understand better how hard it is on the step-parents.

Robin Crowley

10/7/2017 08:31:08 pm

my Step sons addiction destroyed my family. His mother could not handle him anymore so he came back to us after I told my husband I could not live with him in the house again, he has stolen everything from us and my youngest son. He let him move back and gave him money whenever he asked, My husband denied he had a drug problem. my step son never had a job, but he always had money and was always high. He finally went into rehab after being arrested, and admitted to his father he was using heroin, he came back to my house again and was high as a kite 2 days later, My husband would not beleive me again a==even when I showed him the tinfoil being used, of course my stepson told him it was from a sandwich, i took it to the police station and confirmed the drugs, That night when I brought it up again my husband got so angry he hit me. I left immediately leaving everything behind including my youngest son who would not come. We have 7 children between us. I left 10 months ago, y kids are angry that I left and told me I am blowing everything out of proportion. My husband found my stepson dead last night. No one would talk to me when we all went to the hospital, my own children leave the room when when I would enter. I love my stepson, I hate this disease! I have been his step mother for 20 yrs, i have watched him grow, i watched him when he was happy and i watched him suffer through this disease I am left to grieve on my own. I am not welcome at the house, or included in making arrangements. I should have stayed and worked harder to get him help, I should have stayed, because my husband was blinded by being his father and could not see his disease. I should have stayed, he would be alive today. I am so sorry Ryan, I let you down, I love you.

MSB link

11/4/2017 07:19:15 pm

Dear Folks,
I have read all the posts and feel the same pain as all of you. Our stories have subtle differences but they all relate to the epidemic of adult drug addict children. My husband and I are in counseling due to his son having a 5-6 yrs of opioid/heroin use. I have been married for 16-17 yrs and it never occurred to me before we were married that my step son would become a drug addict. His biological mother wants nothing to do with him, she is raising his child from a drug infested relationship. I want to say get counseling for yourself and your marriage, read books on how to strengthen your life and relationships. I still struggle but I will be damned that a lazy ass, lying adult ruin my life or be allowed in my house. Set the boundaries and stick to it. The best book I have read so far is Codendency: Manipulation by Jessica Minty. As for the marriage book and reaffirming why your married in the first place, "The Five Love Languages". I don't have all the answers and never will, but I know that I didn't choose that life for my stepson, he did. I love him dearly but I have no control over him he is almost 30.

MSB link

11/4/2017 07:27:33 pm

No comment, just forgot to add my address

Sherrie

6/29/2018 05:22:06 am

My relationship was broken and (greatmutaba@ yahoo .com) helped me and cast a love spell that return back my husband contact him on his email in the bracket

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