step-parent dilemma

5/30/2015

I am the stepmother of an adult (43) son. He has been addicted since the age of 13. I believe he is schizophrenic (self diagnosis) because he has the traits. However, that is not here or there. His father is a super duper enabler. I have tried to distance myself from the situation, but that is very difficult for many reasons. His father does a very good job of keeping the situation from me, because I get so angry. I am so worried about my husband, because he is 85 and I am beginning to see the signs of stress on his face when he returns from working with him (he provides work for him). I just don't know where my place is in this situation. People tell me to just let my husband handle it, but it affects me as well (our time together, our finances). I am 67 and see my life fleeting as well. - Tanya

1 Comment

Gail

6/2/2015 12:22:23 am

I have am also a stepparent. I have two adult stepchildren who are both addicts. My husband is disabled. He had a nervous breakdown from all the stress about 9 years ago and has never recovered. My stepkids use this to their advantage and know how to manipulate him. I understand how difficult your situation is.

A couple years ago, my husband used all our money to bail his daughter out of jail. We couldn't pay our bills and his car was reposessed. That was a big wakeup call for him regarding the financial side of his enabling. He has since stopped giving my stepkids money.

If you can shape the conversation so that it's about your resources and the things the two of you want to do at this point in your lives, maybe that will help. Instead of asking him to STOP doing something - like enabling his son - ask him to START doing something - like saving for something that will be meaningful to the two of you. Once he buys into a goal that is a higher priority than enabling his son, he will change his behavior.

At 85, he may not be interested in changing. That choice is his. You can't control him. You can only control yourself and how you respond to his choices. Don't let your mental health be dependent upon the choices that other people make. Take steps to take care of yourself.

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